Personal and Professional Development for Uber Villains
As a personal and professional development consultant it behooves me to provide equal high quality service to any in need. I feel it is my duty to embrace the mission for success for any who seek out my assistance.
Since I do everything in my power to provide support regardless of race, creed or religious affiliation it is only fair that I provide the same quality nudges to the least loved and appreciated of groups…yes, I mean those who have come to be known as the “Impervious Uber Villains.”
Is there a collective group more in need of follow through assistance than this?
How many times have you seen an Impervious Uber Villain on the very verge of fulfilling his plans of ultimate domination only to be utterly underdone by seeking out the distraction of instant gratification? Or by becoming so engrossed in the big pictures so as to neglect the all important foundational details. It is tragic in and of itself.
I have therefor taken it upon myself to put together the following list of gentle nudges toward the accomplishment of Uber Villainous Plan Realization Techniques.
1. Give careful consideration to the uniform design of your evil minions. You see, it is all to easy to get caught up in the flash of face visors which conceal the identities of those wearing them. Do not permit your minions to cover their faces with these devices in your presences lest you find yourself unknowingly turning your back to the very hero you deposed to assume your position of Impervious Uber Villain.
2. When you have captured your mortal enemy, shoot him. Don’t devise clever and complicated means by which to bring about his ultimate demise. Don’t throw him into the rapids from which “no one could possibly survive.” Don’t throw him over a waterfall from which “no one could possibly survive.” Don’t drop him into a pit with squirming venomous snakes from which “no one could possibly survive.” Invest some of your ill gotten gains into some quality ammunition and SHOOT HIM!
3. If you decide to employ a digital countdown device to detonate your dooms day device, don’t set it to go off at zero. The hero will inevitably reach the device just before zero clicks over. Instead, set the timer to detonate at a minute and 17 seconds. Imagine the look of surprise on the heroes face when he reaches the count down chamber and gets blown away a minute and a quarter ahead of schedule.
4. No matter how irresistible the urge, you must never construct a doomsday device that is complete impervious to attack except for one tiny weak spot no bigger than a manhole, which if struck will immediately and completely bring about the total destruction of your doomsday device. Just don’t.
5. Never employ henchmen who take sadistic pleasure in the torture of others. It never fails that while these sadomasochistic are toying with their prey, exchanging blow for blow they fritter away the hard won advantage you worked so diligently to secure. It simply isn’t good management. Instead, hire a cranky post menopausal food service worker who can’t be bothered with witty repartee that will quickly shot him thus eliminating the threat in short order.
One bonus tip. Go immediately and hire Seth Godin to be your PR man. Even the terms Idea Virus and Squidoo Lens ready made for Uber Villain employment. I mean the visual images they conjure up have enough intimidation factor to pay for his fee. Plus, he’s got that way cool Lex Luther thing going on with the shaved head and all.
All in all, personal and professional consulting for the Uber Villains among us seems to be a vastly unexploited market.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Interesting Reg, but do Uber Villians pay well, and do they pay on time?
Do they honor contracts or is it just a handshake or email to seal a deal?
Consulting IS a business after all, and must be run like one.
September 18th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Excellent points Ted.
I definately think it would be prudent to work on the gold bullion in advance system.
September 18th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
How do you feel about revealing all the details of the plan just before bumping off the captive hero?
Sure, it can sometimes go badly, but I uber villains take so MUCH pleasure in this one. Without it, my the villain’s evil brilliance is never properly recognized. I’ve always seen it as a calculated risk, but one that’s worth it.
As for payment, wouldn’t it be best to offer your consulting services to me villains pro-bono? Think of it as a public service. More successful villains means fewer goons on the unemployment line. And think of all the loot dumped into the economy to develop all those wonderful evil toys!
September 18th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
MT,
As far as diabolical plan divulgence goes, I see it as a subsection of item 2. Shoot him, shoot him now!
As far as the Pro-Bono question goes, I must align myself with Ted. Personal and Professional Consulting is, after all, a business.