Coffee, Large, No Cream, No sugar
I have always been a big coffee drinker. I like my coffee dark, strong, all day long and without leotards. In fact, my large mug and omnipresent big green steel Thermos are closely associated with my identity by my friends and those who have brought me on as a consultant or a behavior counselor.
In fact, this has been so much the case that for many years the gifts I have received from family, colleagues and clients have had a strong showing in the ground coffee area. I have gotten pound bags of various grinds of coffee from Brazil, Central America, East Africa, Malaysia and Indonesia. Basically any place the environment is anything close to tropical.
For the most part, they’re all pretty good. In other words, as long as it is coffee, large, no cream, no sugar I don’t care where it comes from. Coffee is coffee. A good cup of coffee (read strong and hot) doesn’t need cream and sugar. A bad cup of coffee (weak and/or cold) isn’t helped by cream or sugar.
So, I was somewhat dismayed when gradually over that last several years I have been receiving more gift certificates (and lately gift cards) from coffee bars like Starbucks. They look at me funny when I order.
It typically goes something like this.
Me: “Large coffee to go.”
Them: ”Will that be venti, then?”
Me: “What?”
Them: “Tall, Grande, or Venti?”
Me: “What?”
Them: “Would you like Tall, Grande, or Venti?”
Me: “Which of those is a large coffee to go?”
Them: “What?”
Me: “What?”
You can see how that exchange isn’t necessarily conducive to effective communication and can lead to fundamental social problems in a multicultural society.
But, not being one to be daunted by adversity I called on some past experiences for direction. You see, while I was in the military the army sent me to Japan for a brief tour of duty. In order to navigate there I utilized a common phrase book. And with a lot of smiles and gestures was able to survive without too much difficulty.
So, I found a phrase booklet that addresses the “barista-speak” common to upwardly mobile coffee bars. After much tedious study and perusal I have identified the appropriate phraseology to secure my desired beverage.
Here goes, “I’d like to have a Venti, House Blend, With Legs.”
How lame is that? I’m going to McDonald’s.