Relationships and Old Friends
I recently received a request for assistance from an individual who was having difficulty with an old classmate who presented as a person with a high choleric temperament. The following is an overview of the exchange we had and the result of it.
I have edited the request for content and length.
“Hi Dr. Adkins
An old high school friend of mine (he & I are both 53) seems much different now. In high school he was a friendly, liberal, rebellious sort, not concerned at all about material things. He is now an RN with an RN wife and a doctor son presently serving a 5 year surgical internship. His daughter is now going to nursing school. He always talks about their education.
I obtained a Masters Degree in Oriental Medicine 5 yrs. ago and am an acupuncturist. He always seemed to enjoy sending me emails with jokes or videos poking fun at Oriental medicine, until I finally, eventually responded with a humorous video casting some fun at doctors.
Then, after a nasty remark about something I did in high school, he didn’t correspond for a couple of months. It was as if he was upset or trying to punish me or something.
I wondered, is he just a spoiled brat, who can dish it out but can’t take it?
I found it rather odd a person who’s been such a great family man, rearing up 2 responsible, professional children, can act in such a childish behavior.
He still phones me occasionally (usually after drinking) and seems very opinionated about things. He doesn’t like it when someone disagrees with his views.
It seems as he thinks he and his family are “nobles” now & they have the right to look down on most people.
He seems to relish in sending emails with pictures of his family going on cruises and vacations and wants everybody to know how much money they’ve spent on everything. He likes to have his picture made with popular people and sends the pictures to everyone (as is evident in by the multiple addressees in his emails).
I’ve become disgusted with him and am thinking in the future of only emailing him in return when he emails me. Then I will confine my email content to only briefly describing any changes in my life since our last communication, instead of trying to be humorous & friendly to him.
He’s the type that would deny or get upset if a person pointed out his actions that were bothering them, even if one would do so in a nice & polite way.
He has a strong ego. He once bragged about how many spankings he got in high school. He refused to pledge allegiance to the U.S. flag. Finally, the principal asked him if he would just stand with the rest of the class and not recite anything.
I would greatly welcome your opinion on my issue. What might you do if you were communicating with an old friend and found yourself in the same situation as I? Can you tell me possibly what might cause him to behave this way?
He was an “only child” if that might make some difference.
With best regards,
M.E.”
As you can see, this person is greatly distraught by what he views as slights and undeserved aspersions from someone he views as an old friend.
The following are my responses and suggestions.
“Hello M.,
Thank you for inviting me to share my thoughts with you. If you don’t mind I will speak to your question one section at a time rather than in its entity.
First, lets look at the status of the relationship. Being best friends 36 years ago isn’t the same as being best friend for 36 years. For many people high school is a time of emotional turmoil and there is a group survival mentality there that creates bonds between individuals who wouldn’t otherwise make strong connections. Which is not to say the connections are any less genuine but that they will always have the backdrop of that tumultuous time.
Education is a wonderful thing. But, as you know, much of the value of education comes from the connections made while you are receiving it. This is one of the few reason a degree from Harvard will open more doors than a degree from a state school.
I congratulate you on you selection of Oriental medicine and acupuncture. It is a brilliant field filled with mostly non-invasive procedures based on centuries of proven effectiveness. If only mainstream medical care had such a substantial history.
If you have read my work at www.elementaltruths.com you will be aware that I am a faith based counselor with an approach founded in the 5 underlying human temperaments (Choleric, Phlegmatic, Melancholic, Sanguine and Supine).
Your friend presents as a Choleric. This is a very dynamic temperament. These persons usually move through life by charging ahead, regardless of the opinions of others.
It is key to remember, they are rarely intentionally hurtful. They are simply so egocentrically focused that they are completely oblivious to the possibility something they do may be detrimental or hurtful to others. It just doesn’t occur to them.
Allowing their insensitive behavior go unchecked is rather like cleaning up after a sick drunk and pretending nothing happened. They are never confronted with the natural consequences of their behavior and they are thus enable to repeat it.
As an acupuncturist you will understand that some energy is only responsive to energy that is its equal.
This is the position you should consider.Take the higher moral ground. At the next incident of maladaptive behavior on the part of your old class mate take immediate decisive action. If an offensive e-mail or telephone call comes, take a calming breath and tell him “I find this offensive. Was it your intention to offend me?”
One of two things will happen. He will recognize you are an equal and will adjust his interactions accordingly. Or, he will become abrasive and you can feel justified in directing him not to contact you again until he is ready to interact in an acceptable manner.
In either case, your situation will be resolved with little emotional injury to you or you former classmate.
On a personally note, I have seen you situation replayed on more than one occasion, but never so clearly stated as yours. Would you be adverse to my using the scenario (without names of course) on ElementalTruths.Com as a teaching tool to help others who might find themselves in like circumstances?
I wish Great Peace and Grace.
Dr. Adkins”
The reply to my request was that M.E. authorized me to use the incident in any way I felt might be helpful to others.
Have you ever found yourself in similar circumstances as M.E.? How did you handle the situation?
In the end, we must remember others have the power to cause us emotional turmoil only if we allow them that power.