Help for My Friends Abusive Relationship?
I received the following request for help from an individual who felt their mentally challenged friend was trapped in an abusive relationship and she felt compelled to help if she could.
Here is her initial request edited for content.
“Here’s a dewsy…(long)
I’m trying to find help for my friend who is mildly slow, but married (not by choice) and has two kids. The husband is the abuser. She is scared of him. The husband is also their kids’ dad.
I’m K. I’ve recently moved 35 miles away from my old house where across the street from me, lived this friend of mine. Over there (last house) I used to be friends with a woman who is mildly mentally ill and is married (though not by choice-her mom made her marry him) with two kids.
First off, she tends to do what people in charge (to her) tell her to do.
Long story on that, but here is what recently happened.
Well, my 2 kids would always play with her 2 kids and vice-versa. It was a good relationship amongst the kids and I’d always keep an eye on the mother over there for if she needed anything, besides she’s lonely and sad, and feels like there’s no hope.
Her husband is sexually & verbally abusive to her — and verbally abusive to the kids, and abusive period. Although I don’t think he’s ever hit anyone.
She doesn’t want to be with him but even though I’ve given her some possible alternatives, she must not think she’s capable of going through change or seeing what her options are, and she’s scared of him anyway.
What happened is this: We (me and my kids) were over there visiting and we went to the park. Her kids asked to come to our new house and spend the night and visit with my kids. I said okay, and asked their mom if it was alright with her and and her husband.
She said yes. To double check I asked if she were sure. She said it would be okay.
I dropped her off at home (from the park), and me and all the kids came back to our house for the night. The kids had a good time. I took her kids back to their home the next evening.
Well, she acted kind of strange. She didn’t talk, and she usually talks a lot to me. The husband was home but wouldn’t come out. Not even to say hi. He just sat at his computer. Anyhow, I left.
About a week or so later, I tried to call and her. I rang her late at night but there was no answer, though it was a bit past 10. Then I rang her phone the next day, and it went in to automatic voice mail for screening, not even a ring, and it’s been doing that for 4 weeks since.
She would never do anything like call screening. She really doesn’t know how to do it (or read or drive). The idiot husband does. Besides, she likes any time I call, since she considers me her best friend.
I think he got pissed when she made a decision and let the kids come over. Then he and programmed or took her phone.
So now what? Does this mean I can’t even be friends with her or check on her from here because of her husband?
I can’t stand that guy.
What should I do?
The man is an abusive ass.
It’s typical behavior for someone like that to want all the control, I guess.
I’ve said to her in the past, to see if she can seek some kind of assisted living or something just to get away from the dumb jerk.
Maybe she’s afraid for her kids or afraid of losing them? I don’t know.
Any opinions out there?
Is there anyway I can help her? Or no?
I’m going over there on Thursday and I wonder what will happen.
I guess I can check on her–see what’s going on.
So, Dr. Reg , it’s like this.
I wonder if she is incapable of asking for help.
Either she will or she won’t. That’s her choice. But I think she’s too scared to ask because he’s abusive. She’s so scared of him.
I just think that with all the help that’s out there, her life could open up and be so much better. She could be so much happier. She’s quite smart, but just slow, and being abused.
I’m wondering why there is not more help for the mentally ill. Don’t they have rights? Can no one offer them protection if they cannot protect themselves?
I’ll be careful if I see her on Thursday, so as to still be her friend. But if he’s taken her phone, what’s the sense?
I’m 40 miles north now.
Do I ask her if I see her if she wants help? If she says yes, what do I do?”
My answer.
“First, I would caution you about the extremely delicate nature of involving yourself in anyones marital conflict. Even trained counselors who are invited in by both parties do not have a 100% success rate.
But, if you feel compelled to try and help, I would offer you the following suggestions.
It is best to ask if she would like help. But you must be prepared with a specific suggestion if she responds in the affirmative.
My first suggestion would be to contact the school she graduated from. The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) requires the all such persons educated in the public school system have a case manager (usually a teacher) and access to a School Social Worker.
Explain the circumstances of your friend once you are in contact with the social worker. He/She won’t be able to give you any information but they may be able to do a follow up.
If that fails contact your local social services office and speak to a Social Worker there.
Do this before you offer help to your friend so that you will know what her options are.
I wish you peace and grace.”
Her follow up question.
“Thank you, she’s been out of school a long time and I’m not quite sure she graduated. Maybe she made it to 8th grade or something like that. She’s about 34 now anyhow.
Or maybe I could try mental health dept.”
My follow up reply.
“It seems social services might be your best resource at this time. A licensed clinical social worker has training and access to resources that you may not have available.
I hope all goes well.
Dr. Adkins”
As you can see, it is not always possible to offer a Dr. Phil style glib response to solve problems. Often complexities of relationships take detailed analysis and temperament exploration to find the core of a problem.
In any case, third party interventions are rarely successful. The elemental truth of relationships is that the persons experiencing the turmoil need to be the ones seeking help if the help is to be effective.
No offense intended to Dear Abby of course.