Apologies and Forgiveness
This article continues a series on the increasing number of requests for counseling I recieve during the holiday seasons. As always, I have edited the material to maintain confidentiality as well as to make the content more clear to you as the reader.
The request begins.
“Dear Dr Adkins,
I am about to face a supervisor (in a meeting with her boss present as the MC) who has abused her authority and wronged me. She will apologize to me but she is a very insincere individual, what she did was not an honest mistake and she got caught doing it, not that she has remorse about the act. I don’t want to come across as a jerk for not accepting the apology but would be foolish to accept it since it is not sincere, timely and is only for the benefit of her boss. I am looking for a good reply, something along the lines of
Q: Would you accept my/her apology?
A: It is reasonable to expect someone to accept an apology if it is sincere, timely and is in regard to an honest mistake. So I’d much rather express hope that something good will come out of this and that in the future you will change your ways and will not treat people different for honestly expressing their opinion. And what is also needed is action on the part of the higher management to make sure those entrusted with supervising others cannot abuse their authority.”
With your background in temperament counseling, would you please tell me if you’d approach this differently and if yes, what do you think I should say?
Thank you very much!
Sincerely,
P. D.”
My response follows.
“Dear P.D,
Although, your question is brief I feel in order to properly address your request my response will more lengthy.
You pose a very interesting question. It is one I have dealt with in one form or another often in the past. Sometimes, I receive requests to help structure an apology someone has been required to make. Sometimes, I receive request like yours from someone you who is due an atonement.
My recommendation is look at the purpose of an apology.
A formal apology in and of itself is nothing more than an acknowledgement expressing acceptance of responsibility for inappropriate actions. It is my feeling that this type of apology holds little value other than placing on record a history of wrong doing committed by the perpetrator of the action. It seems from your letter that this may be the circumstances in your case.
On the other hand, a sincere apology isn’t really for the offended party at all. It is a way by which we examine our shortcomings and accept that we have wronged another. In this way we strive to make sure we don’t repeat our mistakes by wronging another in the future.
It seems to me your dilemma is more in the realm of forgiveness than in apologies.
Forgiveness is something victims of offence do for themselves. It is a way by which we unburden ourselves of the wrong done us so that we may move forward. It really isn’t about the offenders’ apology at all.
On the other hand, you must remember forgiveness is not forgetfulness. I have experience with many wrongdoers who are masters at seeking forgiveness from those whom they exploit only to go back and re-offend the injured again and again. In each instance the offended agrees to forgive and forget the wrong done them.
This is an enabling behavior on the part of the offended party. It is rather like having an alcoholic spouse who comes home and makes sick all over the house. The spouse at home who cleans up afterwards and pretends nothing ever happened is only enabling the other to continue on a path that is destructive for both.
Therefor, my recommendation would be to forgive the individual for your own sake. However, make certain that you make it clear your forgiveness though unconditional is not to be mistaken for situational amnesia.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you in this situation.
Dr. Adkins”
P.D chose to implement my suggestion and offered me the following feed back.
“Dr Reg, I don’t know how to thank you for the superb answer you have given me! Thank you very much! Sincerely, P.D.”
It is all to easy to get caught up in the self damaging practice of holding on to hurts given by others. Forgiveness is gift the offended gives himself and shouldn’t be considered absolution for the offender.