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This session was used primarily to collect information and complete both the Arno Profile System Response Form and the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. Gathering background information was also a component.

Background information on Javelina was not easy to gather. But, it was apparent that she experienced abuse when she was growing up. She was unable to recall a time in her life when she was not sexually active. In fact, it was so much the norm in her family, that when she became strong enough to stand up to the situation her family was quite shocked that she was no longer going to allow the abuse to continue. She believed that her family background were the major factors in her self esteem issues and the difficulty she was experiencing in her marriage.

BBW was able to manipulate Javelina by arguing with her. The most surprising element of this was BBW’s arguments were so poorly constructed it was amazing they could sway anyone. His logic, when present at all, was extremely flawed. Most obvious of these were is use of broad generalities and absolutes (You always… We never… No one…). However, his favorite techniques was to simply blow her house down with a never ending, volume increasing barrage of words until she succumbed just to quiet the maelstrom of his words.

When I pointed out that BBW was controlling their arguments with these techniques he became very defensive. He did not like talking about these concerns at all. In fact his anger invariably was verbally vented upon Javelina after the sessions.

Working with BBW was very difficult due to his repeated attempts to talk over others and derail the conversation with unceasing rants. He seemed to believe if he could keep anyone one else from speaking, he would win out due to attrition. It was rather like watching a two year old shouting his argument while jamming his fingers in his ears to avoid being contradicted.

I admit I struggled with finding a way to see the good in this man. He was extremely irritating and obnoxious to the point that I was surprised that the marriage had lasted as long as it had.

In the next installment we will attempt to mine out the core issues.

Previous Installments:

• Part one.
• Part two.
• Part three.

It was during this time that Javelina confided in me that she was close to leaving BBW. I asked him how he felt about divorce. He was stunned that I would ask this question. He wanted to know why I would ask. I explained to him that if he didn’t come to counseling as Javelina was pleading with him to do, that divorce was an inevitable factor in his future. In his very near future as in within the next month. He immediately began to protest that divorce was contrary to his and Javelina’a faith. I explained to him that I understood this but that divorce proceedings were none the less eminent unless he agreed to take part in the process for addressing their problems. At the end of this discussion he agreed to come to counseling.

BBW was the youngest child in an extremely controlling family. In spite of being the youngest he felt he was the most balanced and spiritual of his family. However, as I collect information it seemed to me that every member of the family was of the self-same opinion about their own degree of “rightness.” They were all of very strong opinion and presented as very high in expressed control. This was the way the family addressed their problems. However, BBW’s APS report did not align with this behavior. In fact, I began to question the report accuracy. He presented as a choleric in control rather than the reported phlegmatic-melancholy.

During this time Javelina found a support group and began taking classes. She was making dramatic improvements. She grew from being highly distractible and randomly purposed to well focused and insightful. BBW did not care for many of the changes in Javelina and that exacerbated their need for counseling.

At the onset of the sessions we decided that the ultimate goal of the counseling was to provide them with a better self insight and mutual understanding. We utilized both the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and the Arno Profile System. The premise was, if they knew how their temperaments manifested needs they would be better able to understand and tolerate each of their underlying needs and this would positively impact their marital relationship. In addition, I hoped to help BBW see that his controlling mannerisms were damaging, rather than contributing to the growth of their marriage.

The next segment will begin counseling session one.

Previous Installments:

• Part one.
• Part two.

Phil Gerbyshak author of Make it Great! has extended an offer to me that I am now sharing with you. Here it comes….

———

Friends,

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Do you have a home PC that you’re dying to set up with wireless, but your team of helpers consists of the 17 year old neighbor kid you know is setting up your network so he can surf the web without his parents knowing?

Do you need a little help getting your PC back on the automatic updates schedule it was a few months ago, but that you just haven’t been able to make time for yet?

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You might be a little concerned about how we’re going to do this, what the caliber of our techs are, and if the support is really great. I know I would be asking those questions, and plenty more.

Instead of me telling you, I invite you to head over to MinuteFix and check us out. There’s no cost until March 15th, so I’d bet you can get a few of your problems fixed, or at the least, you’d know that we are a great company and one you can count on to fix those annoying computer problems you’ve been having for years.

If you don’t need this service for you, perhaps you know someone who does, and you could share MinuteFix with them.

If you’re a blogger, I’d ask that you share this with all your readers, because many folks who only READ blogs aren’t very technical, and could use some help. Or click below on the site and Stumble this so we can get the word out.

Free tech support until March 15th, 2008. Only from MinuteFix. Thanks!

———–

Give them a try and let me know how it works out!

Here is a 12 question survey to help you assess your level of stress. Most of us agree we could handle our level of stress better than we do. This is a true/false test to help you take a closer look at your stress management.

Scores between 0 and 10 indicate you probably handle most of the stress in your life pretty well. Or, at least you know how to. Most folks who score at this level are pretty cool customers and take most anything in stride.

Scores between 11 and 23 indicate your probably as adept at handling stress as the next person. You may occasionally feel overwhelmed but are usually able to work your with through it. It might be well for you to add some stress relievers (down time, exercise, FUN) into your life.

Scores between 24 and 32 indicate you have trouble dealing with the unexpected or overly heavy workloads. You may be in need of a formal stress management class. Also, finding out if you are in the right profession for your needs with a temperament assessment (choleric, sanguine, melancholic, phlegmatic, supine) would be extremely beneficial to you.

1. I sometimes feel frustrated by daily issues (long lines, etc). I can put these things out of my mind and get on with my day.

2. I have (or have had) stress related ailments.

3. I meditate or use active relaxation techniques on a regular basis.

4. I may initially panic at unexpected problems but quickly settle down and set about solving the problem.

5. After a rough day at work I have trouble unwinding at home.

6. I usually look for, see and share the funny side of stressful situations and use laughter to get myself and my coworkers through it.

7. I occasionally worry but can usually stop myself from obsessing on things outside my control.

8. I tend to get frustrated and distraught when too many problems happen at once.

9. I occasionally overdue it at work but I consciously schedule time to unwind and recharge.

10. Deadlines don’t usually bother me. I just focus on getting the job done.

11. I’m a “worry wart.” I often obsess about what might happen.

12. Routine problems at home and work don’t fluster me. I usually take what comes.

For every TRUE on items 2,5,8 and 11 add 5 points.
For every TRUE on items 1,4,7 and 9 add 3 points.
For every TRUE on items 3,6,10, and 12 add 0 points.

Total your score and refer to the guide above.

Other stress assessements

• WebMD
• Ladies Home Journal
• Mayo Clinic
• City of Denver

In the first segment of this series, I introduced you to an exchange from an initially counseling session with the Big Bad Wolf. Now I would like to lay some of the ground work which brought about this exchange.

Case Information

• Sex: Male
• Name: Big Bad Wolf (aka. BBW)
• Age: 35
• Present Marital Status: Married
• Children: None
• Employed: Construction Demolition

Reason for Seeking Counseling

1. Wife was threatening divorce if he didn’t come to counseling
2. He wanted to help her through her problems

Overview

His Arno Profile System (A.P.S.) report indicated that he was:

1. Supine Compulsive in Inclusion
2. Phlegmatic Melancholy in Control
3. Phlegmatic Sanguine in Affection

Her A.P.S. report indicated that she was:

1. Melancholy in Inclusion
2. Melancholy Compulsive in Control
3. Phlegmatic Supine in Affection

Session Notes:

I first met BBW and his wife Javalina at a community action group where I was speaking. The group disbanded and they both shared with me that the director was too controlling, and had killed the group because of his leadership style. I was not long after I got to know Javelina that that she asked to see me and confessed that she and her husband, B.B.W., were having marital problems. He denied the problems and explained that Javelina had low self-esteem and needed to be grow up and get control of herself. He said the abuse in her past was insignificant and Javelina made too much of the issue. She said that he didn’t want to talk about it, but “brush it under the rug and pretend that it was okay.” After talking with him, I realized she was probably right.

Initially her reasons for counseling were more to recover from the abuse than salvaging the marriage. Javelina had a great sense of humor and made those around her laugh at more delicate personal subjects (such as her abuse). Her style of communication when talking about serious subjects, was humor.

She was abused by her uncles, brothers, and friends of the family. She said it was not uncommon, living in the rural areas of West Virginia. During the exchange I recorded BBW controlling her with phrases like “you are so dumb” or “you’ll never be anything but a freak” or “you just missed it at birth.” She believed him. He did not see that he was any part of the problem. When she brought up counseling, he said she was the one with problems; she should go to counseling.

In the next installment I address what finally brought about BBW’s agreement to attend counseling.

Would you happen to have a graphic that would make this post?

Previous Installment:

• Part one

What is Social Anxiety Disorder?

Previously know as Social Phobia, this is a fairly common psychological phenomenon that is so persistent that it impairs or impedes the life of individuals with the disorder. It is characterised by the consistent and persistent fear that something unpleasant may occur in social situations. It typically presents itself in middle adolescence between the ages of 14 and 16 and can be quite traumatic. In sufferers social situations create extreme anxiety and traumatic dread.

Because of the nature of this topic, today I will be opening a little more of my soul for your inspection.

Although it may seem odd considering I have chosen a profession as a professional development training and speaker, this is an issue I have struggled with all my life. In fact, the intense anxiety I experienced began to develop at a much younger age than the indicated 14 to 16 years. Even as a very young elementary school students I remember suffering tremendous fear and anxiety at the mere prospect of possible humiliation as a result of interacting socially with others.

However, an analysis of my underlying temperament uncovered the fact the true source of my anxiety was a fear of a loss of control which manifested itself as S.A.D. It seems my anxiety was  an obsession with imposing order in all facets of my life rather than just in social situations.

My peculiar solution was to undertake roles which allowed me to orchestrate much of the interactions that took place in social situations. By planning events, conducting trainings, seminars and speaking I could impact the way social groups interacted and thus meet my need for control while simultaneously overcoming my anxiety.

Upon further study, it appears that the source of my anxiety might not be so rare after all. In fact, it may be that many sufferers of Social Anxiety Disorder may find the source of their anxiety in that very same need for the security of control.

Some of the signs and symptoms include:

1. An extreme fear of meeting new people or being critiqued by others
2. Fear induced avoidance of most social interactions
3. Physical symptoms: blushing, sweating, shaking, trembling, tense muscles, shaky voice, dry mouth and pounding heart

Nearly all of us experience some anxiety of this type at one time or another. But, if it has come to such a degree that it is interfering with your ability to function, the disorder may be present.

Suggestions for working through anxiety begin with a series of small desensitizing steps (modified from the Mayo Clinic).

1. Eat in a public place with a close friend or relative
2. Be the first to say hello, make eye contact and exchange greetings with others
3. Read the newspaper in order to be prepared to engage in casual conversations
4. Give someone a compliment
5. Focus on your positive personal characteristics
6. Ask others about their children, grandchildren, hobbies, travels, or homes
7. Ask a clerk to help you find a store item
8. Ask directions from a stranger

What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you have other solutions for this issue?

*Bonus Question: Would you happen to have a nice graphic to go with this article?

When I train and counsel those (parents or professionals) who must deal with conflict situations on a regular basis, I notice three  areas in their techniques which are better served with a replacement skill.

The three target areas:

1. Issuing ultimatums. Rarely will making threats create the desired result on a long term basis.
    
2. Punishing rather than coaching. Set limits with predictable, logical, natural consequences.
    
3. Talking rather than listening. Taking the time to listen provides valuable insight into conduct.

After examining each persons situation and temperament , I work with them to develop a successful replacement skill set for setting limits.

Each persons situation is quite unique. However, it is rare that the following 5 techniques are not part of the successful skill set.

Five-Step Limit Setting

1. Be “what” specific. Explain to the individual why a particular incident of conduct or behavior is not acceptable. Saying, “knock it off!” or a disapproving look is not enough. The person may not know it is the volume rather than the language that is meeting disapproval.
2. Be “why” specific. Again, don’t assume your staff member knows turning his back on a customer or colleague during a conversion is considered offensive.
3. Provide logical consequences. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, offer the person choices and explain what the consequences of each choice are. For example, “I understand you aren’t happy with your purchase. You may return it for a store credit, or you may have cash back. If you return it for a store credit I’ll add 10% to the value for your next purchase. If your take the cash back, it will have to be for the current sale price which is 25% less than your purchase price.”
4. Be Patient. It takes a few moments for most of us to process the pros and cons of a choice. This is doubly true when emotions are running high.
5. Enforce your consequences. Setting the limits is pointless if you don’t consistently enforce your consequences. This is why it is so important in step three to provide logical consequences that you can live with.

I invite you to share your views on this topic.

Over the years I’ve answered a lot of questions about the essence of temperament analysis and how it can be used as a counseling technique to help people. But, it seems I answer the same basic questions over and over.

So, inspired by a brilliant little book titled Fish! by Stephen Cundin, Harry Paul, and John Christensen, I’ve written this little parable which tells the fictitious story of the Big Bad Wolf, who after scores of poor choices and years of misbehavior was pressed into counseling to find a way to address his maladaptive, antisocial behaviors.

The story opens as the Big Bad Wolf arrives for his first day of required counseling.

Dr. Adkins: Hello Mr. Big Bad Wolf. How are you today?

BBW: I’m okay, I guess.

Dr. Adkins: Good. Do you prefer Mr. Wolf, or Big Bad perhaps?

BBW: BB is fine.

Dr. Adkins:Alright, BB it is then. I see here that you are here for required temperament counseling. Can you tell me about that?

BBW: Yeah. I had to come here. Supposedly, I have some “issues” I’m supposed to work on. Say, just what is this temperament analysis stuff anyway and how can it help me?

Dr. Adkins: Temperament analysis is a counseling method designed to help you find appropriate ways to meet your underlying needs for affection, inclusion and control in acceptable ways that don’t infringe upon the rights and needs of others.

BBW:Oh great. Another touchy, feely “talk therapy” jockey who wants me to tell them how upset I am because my mommy didn’t hold me enough for endless months on end. This is sure to be useful. What do you know about me anyway? How many more minutes until we’re done?

Dr. Adkins:BB, your attempts to maneuver me into avoiding issues aren’t going to to be successful. I understand that you may be feeling distrustful and suspicious. You may even doubt my qualifications. Let me put one of your concerns to rest. My credentials are clearly displayed and you are welcome to examine each of them at your leisure.

I don’t feel compelled to explain myself. Remember, you came to me. On the other hand, I do want you to be at ease. So, I will discuss some of your concerns.

This is not talk therapy. Talk therapy can last for months or years. This is temperament analysis. The model is designed around a five session plan. If I can’t help you in five sessions, I probably can’t help you. Further, I’m not overly concerned about how much you were or were not held as a youth. Although, your desire to express and receive affection is definitely an element of your temperament and we will look into. I’m more interested in helping you find ways to meet your needs now in a positive way. In addition, as you say I don’t know you very well, we will be utilizing this temperament analysis tool to help us identify your basic needs for affection, inclusion and control.

Now, if your interested in finding the way to a better life, complete this temperament analysis and the intake forms and let’s get moving on this. Or, continue your downward spiral until you’re ordered to another counselor. The choice is yours.

……………………………………………………………………………..

After some reflection and examination of his options BB decided to go ahead and commit to the 5 sessions. He figured it would get the heat off his back and, truth be told, he was kind of intrigued about this concept that everyone has the same needs for control, affection and inclusion but they are expressed at different levels.

BB completed the intake forms and the Temperament Analysis and we set the appointment for his first counseling session.

In the next installment we will explore the results of BB temperament analysis and commence the scheduled prescription of sessions.

Adding Elemental Truths to your blog reader will insure you don’t miss the upcoming installments.

1. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.

2. Read the entire test before you mark any marks.least like you. Be objective.

3. Before each word in each column enter a number from 1-5.

• Five being most like you.

• One being least like you.

• Be objective.

4. Solicit two friends to complete the profile rating you in the same way.

5. AFTER marking your responses continue to the scoring key.

Choleric Phlegmatic Melancholy Sanguine Supine

Self ­­­_______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Friend ­­­­­_______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Friend _______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Grading Instructions:

Add only the 3-5 numbers which occur in each column (omit the 1’s and 2’s). Place the totals on the indicated lines.

Analyzing the Results

Your score summary now contains your feelings as well as the input of your friends. In most cases there will be some variation. However, your dominate temperament should be readily identifiable as the larger score.

These are, of course, very casual views based on the work of Dr. James Arno and some writings of Tim LaHaye. But, they can provide some interesting insight into your underlying temperament.

Temperament Overview

Choleric

Motivation: Power

Needs: To Look Good (Academically), To Be Right, To Be Respected, Approval

Wants: To Hide Insecurities (Tightly), To Please Self, Leadership, Challenging Adventure

Positives: Independent, Have Goals, Know How They Want to Solve a Problem, Decisive, Visionary

Negatives: Cruel, Egotistical, Unemotional, Domineering, Unforgiving

Melancholy

Motivation: Intimacy

Needs: To Be Good (Morally), To Be Understood, To Be Appreciated, Acceptance,

Wants: To Reveal Insecurities, To Please Others, Autonomy, Security

Positives: Gifted, Self Sacrificing, Helpful, Thoughtful, Faithful

Negatives: Moody, Critical, Negative, Resentful, Suspicious

Phlegmatic

Motivation: Peace

Needs: To Feel Good (Inside), To Be Understood, To Be Respected, Acceptance, To Reveal Insecurities

Wants: To Please Others, Protection, Contentment

Positives: Peace Makers, Quiet, High Self Control, Calm in a Crisis, Efficient, Good Listener

Negatives: Unmotivated, Procrastinate, Indecisive, Fearful, Avoider

Sanguine

Motivation: Fun

Needs: To Look Good (Socially), To Be Popular, To Be Praised, Approval

Wants: To Hide Insecurities (Loosely), To Be Noticed, Freedom, Playful Adventure

Positives: Entertaining, Outgoing, Responsive, Warm, Friendly

Negatives: Undependable, Undisciplined, Egotistical, Prone to Exaggeration, Compulsive Talker

Supine

Motivation: Contribution

Needs: To Look Humble, To Serve a Greater Purpose, To Be Accepted, To Protect Weaknesses.

Wants: Recognition for Service, Opportunities to Serve, To Contribute to a Higher Calling, To Be Protected

Positives: Caring, Giving, Gentle, Dependable, Loyal

Negatives: Insecure, Manipulative, Weak Willed, Indecisive, Harbors Ill Will

Free Online Tests

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php

http://www.advisorteam.com/temperament_sorter/register.asp

http://www.olympus.net/personal/athena/

I am a huge fan of niche publications. Something about a person who carves out their own place among the throng of voices strikes a harmonizing chord with me.

Because of this I often “surf” with the very purpose of finding those inter”nuggets” in mind. 

I’ve recently discovered the site of a gentleman  named, Harry Heuser which focuses on the niche of mid twentieth century media.

The about section states,

This journal was conceived as an unacademic continuation of my [ Harry’s} doctoral study Etherized Victorians. It chiefly concerns western popular culture of the early to mid-20th century—broadcasts, books, movies and plays anyone can still access using 21st-century media. Without being nostalgic, I am sampling “unpopular culture” (pop presumably past its sell-by date) and relate it to our present everyday.

I found the work quite interesting and will be checking in on him periodically.

Here is the link if you wish to do so, as well.

http://broadcastellan.blogspot.com/