How to Set Limits
When I train and counsel those (parents or professionals) who must deal with conflict situations on a regular basis, I notice three areas in their techniques which are better served with a replacement skill.
The three target areas:
- Issuing ultimatums. Rarely will making threats create the desired result on a long term basis.
- Punishing rather than coaching. Set limits with predictable, logical, natural consequences.
- Talking rather than listening. Taking the time to listen provides valuable insight into conduct.
After examining each persons situation and temperament , I work with them to develop a successful replacement skill set for setting limits.
Each persons situation is quite unique. However, it is rare that the following 5 techniques are not part of the successful skill set.
Five-Step Limit Setting
- Be “what” specific. Explain to the individual why a particular incident of conduct or behavior is not acceptable. Saying, “knock it off!” or a disapproving look is not enough. The person may not know it is the volume rather than the language that is meeting disapproval.
- Be “why” specific. Again, don’t assume your staff member knows turning his back on a customer or colleague during a conversion is considered offensive.
- Provide logical consequences. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, offer the person choices and explain what the consequences of each choice are. For example, “I understand you aren’t happy with your purchase. You may return it for a store credit, or you may have cash back. If you return it for a store credit I’ll add 10% to the value for your next purchase. If your take the cash back, it will have to be for the current sale price which is 25% less than your purchase price.”
- Be Patient. It takes a few moments for most of us to process the pros and cons of a choice. This is doubly true when emotions are running high.
- Enforce your consequences. Setting the limits is pointless if you don’t consistently enforce your consequences. This is why it is so important in step three to provide logical consequences that you can live with.
I invite you to share your views on this topic.