How to Manage Your Anger
Recently I’ve been writing on how to work toward a positive conclusion when you encounter an irate individual. In this piece I want to adjust the lens a bit and look at what to do if that irate person is you.
I know your response, “What, me irate? Never!”
Well, I beg to differ. If you have a pulse you have blood, and if you have blood, it occasionally boils.
The key is in how you use that ire. Do you vent in a tumultuous tirade or do you laser focus on an injustice will filled with righteous indignation?
In any case, we will eventually find ourselves in a situation which will cause us to confront our own feelings of rage, which itself is a variant of the Latin rabies and bring many of the connotations of that disease to mind.
In fact, anger is a naturally occurring human emotion. Although, it may be inconvenient it does serve a useful purpose.
Contrarily, many view anger as negative emotion that interferes with our ability to rationally make choices, or successfully interact with other.
Anger may be viewed with the following negative connotations and behaviors:
-sulking
-withdrawal
-taunting
-sarcasm
-a facade of no emotion
The foundational skill set which you must master is the ability to differentiate emotion from behavior.
How can you positively direct or channel your anger. You must have a plan. That plan must take into account the following elements.
1. Know the why.
Break it down. Ask yourself why you are angry. Have you allowed another party to “get under your skin?” If so, you should examine the issue closely. Under these circumstances we would be more likely to become angry if we felt threatened. And we would be more likely to feel threatened if we think we are in the wrong.
This can be a powerful tool for building a weak area into a strength.
Are you angry because of outside influences?
-stress
-financial concerns
-ill health
-family issues
2. Know your physiology.
Do you know you body and its signs of anger?
-racing heart
-sweating hands
-rapid breathing
-sour stomach
-headache
-tunnel vision
-roaring in the ears
-clenched jaw
3. What can you do about it?
Increase the oxygen supply to your heart, brain, lungs and muscles. This will prime you for decisive action. Take several deep, deliberate, measured breaths. Don’t be surprised at a sense of exhilaration at this point (some call it the combat rush). It can be quite addictive.
4. Chose to be quicksand or wild fire.
This portion of my technique is somewhat controversial and many in my profession will advise against it. It is dynamic and is based on a practiced and premeditated decision.
At this point you must decide whether you will allow the other person to know you are angry.
Most will advise the “quicksand” technique. Quicksand is one of the most devastating anomalies in nature. The more energy you expend against it, the less strength you have to resist its incessant pull. You may mimic this by calmly and systematically carrying out your duties while the irate individual expends their energy in an impotent rant.
On the other hand, you may decide a slight more perilous technique.
This may be an opportune time to give the person a little glimpse of what a real forest fire of rage looks like. This can be a powerful tool. However, it should only be done if you have remarkable self control. It can be difficult to put the lava back in the volcano once it has begun to come out. But, if you can master it, and you have practiced it repeatedly, it is an excellent device for teaching others how to positively channel their own anger.
Let me reiterate, it has taken me 20 years to develop any skill in this area at all. And you would NEVER make this selection for a client. However, it does have its uses in extreme situations.
5. Healthy Expressions.
Sometimes you find yourself in circumstances in which your own anger is the issue which must be addressed.
If you decide to express it, consider these guidelines.
-be direct
-be specific
-be brief
-focus on the issue not the person
-do not seek to assigning blame
-listen to the other persons feedback
-have realistic expectations for resolution
In conclusion, don’t sell the value of your anger short. A little righteous indignation has been the impetus for righting a lot of wrongs over the years.