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Some statistics indicate the divorce rate is at about 50% (Census Bureaus, 2003).

Other studies state between 45 and 60% of men and women have engaged in extramarital sex (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002).

So, we can agree that it is not an uncommon incident.

Now, my views here on Elemental Truths are pretty clear on this topic. I don’t think it is a casual thing. I strongly feel it is a betrayal of trust in every sense of the word. It is a true sin on your heart.

I believe if you decide to make a lifelong commitment to another person, you are bound to honor that commitment.

That being said, the statistics indicate a different picture.

This article is written to the audience of those who have discovered their spouse has been unfaithful. The next article in the series will address issues concerning the spouse who has strayed and the final will examine the impact on the children.

There are some serious decisions you must make when you discover your mate has been unfaithful.

• Will you ever be able to forgive them?
• Will you ever be able to trust them, again?
• How strong are the bonds of your commitment?
• Do you want to rebuild?

It may surprise you to learn that most affairs do not end a marriage. But, they do make it a lot worse.

Still, after an affair ends a couple has a brief time window in which to build a new rapport. Sometimes the relationships will come through even stronger than before the infidelity.

In any case, this is not the time to make major life decisions. Take some time to do some reflection about your relationship. Identify all the areas (other than infidelity) that need work. Recognize the reality of your relationship and make a plan to address them.

There is a school of thought that will tell you that what ever your feeling right now isn’t “wrong.” I tend to disagree. If your “feeling” is you should take a rash action of violence, you’d have to consider that a result of the chemical reactions coursing through your body at this time of crisis and identify that as “wrong.” That doesn’t mean they aren’t natural. Feelings are natural. My desire to attack someone who has insulted my spouse is natural. It is also wrong.

Remember this is a time of high stress and you must make a conscious choice to take care of yourself. Bad stress can make you sick, just as easily as eustress (good stress) can have a positive impact. Be aware of your nutrition. Require yourself to seek adequate exercise. Feel empowered to seek counsel. There are many proactive steps you can take.

It is imperative that you insist on your mate and yourself are tested for AIDS/HIV and STD’s. You must not feel guilty for this insistence. It was not your choice to expose your family to potentially life threatening disease.

Forgiveness is a core ingredient for relationship recovery. Under these circumstances forgiveness is an additional commitment more than it is an emotion. However, repeatedly forgiving infidelity is enabling further incidence of infidelity and deviant character development.

Do everything you can to seek out good counsel. That does not mean you must confine yourself to secular counselors. Secular counselors are much more likely to recommend divorce. If your goal is to rebuild your marriage you may be better served by a faith based counselor. Most faith based counselors are trained to do whatever they can to salvage the marriage and will rarely suggest divorce.

If you must choose to divorce, remember it is not the unpardonable sin.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 20th, 2008 at 10:48 am and is filed under behavior. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.