A Parent of Declining Years in the Age of Family Fragmentation
I’m about to share some very personal information with you. While you are reading you may find your self saying, “Careful Reg, your melancholy is showing.”
I will start off by telling you that Hospice has been called in to assist with my mother. If you don’t know about Hospice they are a health care organization that specializes in providing services to patients with “life limiting” illnesses. Hospice concentrates on quality of life rather than quantity. In fact, they have a good website which answers questions about their organization much more completely than I could (Hospice).
I appreciate the organization very much.
That being said, I must wander what series of cultural events lead to a situation when the matriarch of a family with eight children needs outside assistance from an organization like Hospice.
It seems to me that not long ago (was it so long ago?) my family existed in the form of a tribe-like clan. Generations of us lived and died in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia and wherever there was one in need many were there to provide for that need. I remember aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews and nieces in abundance. In fact, the connections were so interwoven that I could not mis-behave at elementary school without the consequence of receiving less that three scoldings or spankings before I completed my walk home at the end of the day.
And yet, now my mother needs the support of a benevolent organization.
The questions screams out to be asked, “Reg, why don’t you take care of your mother?” And the unsatisfying answer is, I am simply too far away. It is a six hour drive from my home and work to where my mother is. No less than three states must be traversed in order for me to reach her. And, sadly, in America, this seems to be the norm.
There have been profound changes in the way American families structure and maintain themselves - and sometimes deconstruct - and those changes have had a profound effect on how our elders spend their declining years. Few adults have had the luxury or good fortune of being able to find and develop gainful employment in the locality in which they grew up. We have found that as a people in order to better ourselves (or in current economic conditions) maintain our standard of living we must be willing to relocate and with relative frequency.
I will again use my own personal experiences as an example. In the small West Virgina community in which I grew up industry had long since moved on. Farming became the marker of a bygone era and drift mining gave way to less expensive strip mining which required a much smaller workforce. The population there has been in a steady decline for generations. As a result I sought out a teaching position in a community some distance away yet within the same state. After several years it became clear that the population there was ebbing and I sought out another position in Florida. After several years there the economic ebb and flow adjusted and I found myself relocating to North Carolina, and it seems I may be moving yet again very soon.
What has this microcosm of my personal experiences to do with the phenomena? Simply this, you can duplicate my experiences with nearly every professional you know. Poll the local public school to find out how many are native to the area. You will be surprised at the result.
As a result many of our parents are “cast adrift” in their time of need.
Here are my struggles. I hope sharing them may prepare you in case you ever find yourself facing this situation.
I had difficulty accepting my feelings. My mother was once a very quick mind. Alzheimer’s and Dementia have robbed her of this. The realization of this is very heavy.
I had difficulty discussing things with others. I experienced a high reluctance to ask enough questions to have a clear understanding of the situation at hand.
There were some mistakes I did not make. I never did things that would undermine my mother’s independence or sense of self confidence. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.
What are your plans for your aging parent? Or, what plans have you made to face you elder years?
July 14th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Reg, now you have struck a chord in me.
Thank you for sharing something personal here on your blog. I have you, your mom and your family in my many thoughts.
Despite how things have changed in our family ways I personally believe that your mom with hospice caring for her is actually in better hands than if it was you - I say this not to discount you, but to say that this is what they do. I know many hospice nurses and they are truly a remarkable breed. Special, caring, experienced caretakers for this very specific time in one’s life. They know. In addition to caring for her and only her, they also help the families transition to the death of their loved one. With your mother’s illness she won’t even know who is doing the caring. Yet she will feel cared for, where as if you had to you’d be missing the mom you treasured when she was quick and mindful and her spirit might sense this. They will tell you when it’s time to be there, they know these things and it will allow you the moments you need - YOU, to be with her at the end. It’s enough.
Many years ago after reading the book Tuesday’s with Morrie ( have you read that? ) I bought the book for my mom - I told her to read it, and that I wanted to discuss it. She enjoyed it and afterwards I asked - mom - how would you like to spend your later years? How can I help - I am the eldest. What would yuu like my role to be? She very rudely said, I’d rather die than have you take care of me. Interestingly, even though she basically refused my participation - I was relieved. See - she was a terrible abuser of her life, and her body and deeply I thought I don’t know how to care for her and to handle how angry I might feel that she was dying perhaps because of all of her despicable behavior. Of course there is much more to this story as my mom and I are no longer in contact. I just can’t ieven magine myself caring for her on her dying bed. Besides the discord between us. I just feel I am not equipped in experience to handle that.
I think so often we think how a final day or last breath might be, for me I’d love it to be quiet and without me knowing to much about it in the physical sense anyway. I think the spirit part of me has managed it time and time again and knows just what to do.
Again my many thoughts Reg.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Thank you Karen. It seems this is a topic we are facing as a nation as those of us who are “baby boomers” come to grips with the failing health of our parents. I appreciate your support.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Reg:
Though in India the family ties are stronger, due to the type of industry (software) that I’m in, I’m far away from my parents. Now they are retired and I want them to be with me and I would like to take care of them. However having been in their village/town for almost their entire life, they find it extremely difficult (better word would be lonely as they miss their life-long friends) to be here with me in a far away city. So they prefer to be in their town.
As the other reader commented, having read ‘Tuesday’s with Morie’, I don’t want to wait for the final days of my parents; but I want to enjoy their company ‘here and now’. Yet, it seems not possible.
So we’ve made a deal - they will be with us for 6 months and they will spend the rest in their town. So far it has worked out pretty well. I enjoy every single moment I spend with them (do I agree with all of them? do we disagree? Of course yet, but on a larger context it is not important).
Somewhere in Psalms, Moses says - teach us to number our days. If we keep the end in mind (as you recount Covey in another post) it becomes easier to put things in proper perspective.
So the question is: have you spent enough time with your parents whenever you could? And do you spend time with them whenever you could. As like anything in life, you’ll have to accept this fact that you’ll be away from your parents.
I go through these emotions that you’ve mentioned, whenever I find out that they are sick or that they need care. So I do understand what you mean. Yet, I guess you need to accept this fact (as much as hard it is)
My thoughts are with you. I send my hugs as you ponder difficult thoughts.
I’ve rambled on long
July 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Hello Joseph,
Your comment reminds me of something another person from India (Pradesh, I believe he said) told me a few years ago.
I was teaching in Florida and had put an addition on my home and as a result my pest control service provider came by to update the contract. I was outside playing with my two children as the man finished his inspection and brought the contract over for me to review.
As I looked over the contract the conversation went something like this…
Him,”I see you have daughters. Have you any sons?”
Me, “No, God has blessed me only with girls.”
Him, “Sons are desired by fathers, but daughters will care for you when you are old and cannot care for yourself.”
At the time remember thinking I certainly planned to care for my mother when the time came. Perhaps he understood more of kharma than I.
I appreciate you comment.