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When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

I’ve been working for many years in the field of behavior disorders and emotional disturbances. The aspect that most captures the attention of most people is confrontational behavior. The odd thing is, I see so much of it that I don’t notice it that much. That is bad. When you lose too much sensitivity to an issue you run the risk of being less effective in teaching better replacement behaviors.

Occasionally, I take time to review the precepts and thus reoriented myself to the key issues. As it is time for my self reflection I am sharing the exercise with you so that you may gain some insight into the issue.

Finally, I must often remind myself that confrontation in and of itself is not a maladaptive behavior.

First, what are the reasons some do not react in a confrontational manner to severe stressors?

• fear of rejection
• fear of consequences
• fear of losing control

Next, what are down fall areas of a lack of confrontation skills.

• uncontrolled outbursts
• emotionally damage
• altered sense of reality
• public failure

Who are those who are successful with the skills of confrontational behavior.

• diplomats
• leaders
• business persons

How can confrontational behaviors be utelized in a positive manner.

Before Confrontation the individual must engage in Introspection.

• why are you upset
• what do you desire
• what is the root

During confrontation the individual must maintain respect for the other party.

• time and place
• one to one
• calm
• mutual purpose
• body language

After confrontation defined actions must be put in place.

• agreement
• follow up

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

Jack Welch is a business man with a speech impediment. Depending upon your source he is either the salvation of GE or a major cause of many of its shortfalls. But, regardless of who you listen to you will find one concept about the man consistently stated. Jack Welch is about the bottom line.

How is it that a faithful capitalist could so adeptly articulate one of the deepest truths in human emotional well being?

“Control your destiny, or someone else will.”

That simple statement has profound ramifications for all of us.

In fact his book (of the same title) has no less than 6 such statements that could be the cornerstone of many counseling philosophies. I’ll follow each precept with an indication of the temperament most likely to recieve the felling blow from resistance to the concept.

1. control your destiny or someone else will (the choleric nightmare syndrome)
2. face reality as it is, not as it was, or as you wish it were (melancholies avert your eyes)
3. be candid with everyone (sanguines arise)
4. don’t manage lead (the phlegmatic downfall)
5. change before you have to (supines submit)
6. if you don’t have a competitive advantage don’t compete (all temperaments)

Control Your Destiny is a book worth reading even if you are not in the business of being a CEO.

If you have read much of my work you will know I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan. It’s not that I hate the guy or anything. I just don’t feel his “get over it!” philosophy of counseling is the best choice for every situation.

But, I have to admit when it comes to putting a success strategy into words he has some really original ideas (or does he?). When I looked more deeply into the statements they began to ring some familiar bell in my subconscious. I couldn’t really put my finger on it until I was preparing a seminar for some education professionals and I decided to brush up on my Stephen Covey.

Well, you be the judge.

Dr. Phil: Have a vision. Champions get what they want because they know what they want.

Stephen Covey: Begin with the end in mind. Formulate a personal vision statement.

Probably just a coincidence, right?

Dr. Phil: Make a strategy. People who consistently win have a clear and thoughtful strategy.

Stephen Covey: Put first things first. A framework for prioritizing work to achieve long and short term goals.

Well, I mean that one was pretty obvious in the first place.

Dr. Phil: Find a passion.  Be passionately invested in both the journey and the goal.

Stephen Covey: Sharpen the saw. Seek balanced self satisfaction. Remain productive by engaging in related recreational activities.

Uhm… well I’m sure Dr. Phil will have an original thought on this next one.

Dr. Phil: Live the truth. Winners hold themselves to high realistic expectations.

Stephen Covey: Synergize. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Man. Maybe I should just “Get Over It!” and stop obsessing about this thing.

What is the difference between Behavior Consulting and Counseling? It is kind of like looking at the difference between secular and faith based counseling. In fact, there was no differentiation between secular and faith based counseling and behavioral coaching until the 1800’s. Up until that point all three fell into the pervue of the church. The clergy took on the daunting task of bringing hope, counsel and guidance to those who were in need. Medical doctors took on the physical domain and the two didn’t disparage one another.

I. Faith Based Counseling and Secular Counseling.

In the early history of the Church, the Church itself was solely responsible for the counseling of people. As society grew the perception developed that the Christian Community was no longer qualified to counsel its people. As a result, the secular community has all but taken over the responsibility of counseling and behavior modification.

II. Contrasting Faith Based and Secular Counseling

A. Secular Counselor = Agent of the State = Insurance Coverage May Apply

Precepts

1. Everyone has problems; you must learn to live with it. These strategies may help.
2. Human behavior is based on millions of years of evolution. You must continue to evolve emotionally.
3. Self is most important; as long as you do not infringe upon the self of others do what you need to be happy.
4. The problems of self can often be traced to the behaviors of others.

B. Faith Based = Agent of the Church = Fees are often a sliding scale and insurance coverage may not apply.

Precepts

1. Cast off your sins; Christ, the perfect sacrifice has paid the price.

2. God created each of us with a specific temperament. Fighteing your temperament creates disharomony in your sense of well being.

3. God is most important. True happiness is accessible through our proper duty to Him.

4. Face (confess) and accept the consequences (repent) of your actions.

III. Faith based view.

God created us with three areas of need (Inclusion, Control, and Affection) which we may meet through His service.

Inclusion

The need to initiate and maintain surface relationships.

The need to be approached by others for surface relationships.

Control

The need to be in control of relationships with others.

The need for others to control our relationships and behaviors.

Affection

The need to establish love and affection relationships with others.

The need to receive love and affection from others.

IV. The Five Temperament Types. Faith based view.

1. The Melancholy - Forever examining their own shortcomings.

2. The Choleric - Confident and task oriented.

3. The Sanguine - Extremely socially active.

4. The Supine - Quintessential servant ever placing the needs of others first.

5. The Plegmatic - Extremely deliberate perfectionist.

V. So What?

Temperament is an extremely important factor to consider when:

1. Finding compatible career.

2. Finding hobbies that bring the most satisfaction.

3. Making decisions and undertaking responsibilities.

4. Choosing your level of dependence or independence.

5. Charting our spiritual development.

6. Choosing and understanding our mate.

I’m about to share some very personal information with you. While you are reading you may find your self saying, “Careful Reg, your melancholy is showing.”

I will start off by telling you that Hospice has been called in to assist with my mother. If you don’t know about Hospice they are a health care organization that specializes in providing services to patients with “life limiting” illnesses. Hospice concentrates on quality of life rather than quantity. In fact, they have a good website which answers questions about their organization much more completely than I could (Hospice).

I appreciate the organization very much.

That being said, I must wander what series of cultural events lead to a situation when the matriarch of a family with eight children needs outside assistance from an organization like Hospice.

It seems to me that not long ago (was it so long ago?) my family existed in the form of a tribe-like clan. Generations of us lived and died in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia and wherever there was one in need many were there to provide for that need. I remember aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews and nieces in abundance. In fact, the connections were so interwoven that I could not mis-behave at elementary school without the consequence of receiving less that three scoldings or spankings before I completed my walk home at the end of the day.

And yet, now my mother needs the support of a benevolent organization.

The questions screams out to be asked, “Reg, why don’t you take care of your mother?” And the unsatisfying answer is, I am simply too far away. It is a six hour drive from my home and work to where my mother is. No less than three states must be traversed in order for me to reach her. And, sadly, in America, this seems to be the norm.

There have been profound changes in the way American families structure and maintain themselves - and sometimes deconstruct - and those changes have had a profound effect on how our elders spend their declining years. Few adults have had the luxury or good fortune of being able to find and develop gainful employment in the locality in which they grew up. We have found that as a people in order to better ourselves (or in current economic conditions) maintain our standard of living we must be willing to relocate and with relative frequency.

I will again use my own personal experiences as an example. In the small West Virgina community in which I grew up industry had long since moved on. Farming became the marker of a bygone era and drift mining gave way to less expensive strip mining which required a much smaller workforce. The population there has been in a steady decline for generations. As a result I sought out a teaching position in a community some distance away yet within the same state. After several years it became clear that the population there was ebbing and I sought out another position in Florida. After several years there the economic ebb and flow adjusted and I found myself relocating to North Carolina, and it seems I may be moving yet again very soon.

What has this microcosm of my personal experiences to do with the phenomena? Simply this, you can duplicate my experiences with nearly every professional you know. Poll the local public school to find out how many are native to the area. You will be surprised at the result.

As a result many of our parents are “cast adrift” in their time of need.

Here are my struggles. I hope sharing them may prepare you in case you ever find yourself facing this situation.

I had difficulty accepting my feelings. My mother was once a very quick mind. Alzheimer’s and Dementia have robbed her of this. The realization of this is very heavy.

I had difficulty discussing things with others. I experienced a high reluctance to ask enough questions to have a clear understanding of the situation at hand.

There were some mistakes I did not make. I never did things that would undermine my mother’s independence or sense of self confidence. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.

What are your plans for your aging parent? Or, what plans have you made to face you elder years?

In the event of a nuclear holocaust the sole survivors will be the cockroaches and the Phlegmatics.

How’s that for a flat yet inflammatory statement?

Be heartened though because, we Phlegmatics wont only bring our own necessities, we’ll bring everybody else’s too. You see even though we are pragmatic and know when the battle can’t be won we are also relationship oriented. We are amicable and we love people.

What would attract the Phlegmatic to the realm of Social Media?

The joy of logical investigation. Like the mythological Prometheus who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals, Phlegmatics are driven to provide the tools to others needed to improve and grow. Thus they make excellent facilitators of Social Media. They are often the hub connection at which all the other participants make attachments.

These are the persons who are most adept and invaluable as architects of the social media constructs.

In fact there is a site called Phlegmatic Society on MySpace that has breached the topic already.

Original article in the series.

flickr image 

In order to truly understand the nature of the Melancholy you must be familiar with the speech of Arestophanes from Plato’s Symposium.

The original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three n number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, of which the name survives but nothing else. Once it was a distinct kind, with a bodily shape and a name of its own, constituted by the union of the male and the female: but now only the word ‘androgynous’ is preserved and that as a term of reproach.

Terrible was their might and strength and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods; of them is told the tale of Otys and Ephilates who, as Homer says, attempted to scale heaven, and wold have laid hands upon the gods.

So, Zues smote them asunder. Well, of-course those that were singularly male and singularly female died from the wounds right away. But, those which were initially composed of the best of both were strong enough to survive. But, because they were rent apart, they spent the remainder of their existence seeking out that perfect opposite part which would complete them. And such is the origin of the Melancholy. Doomed to ever seek out the one with whom they may achieve perfect intimacy.

Yes, I know I ruthlessly butchered a perfectly beautiful poem. But, hey considering my pathetic understanding of the collected musing of Plato I think I made the point.

Intimacy is the most compelling desire of a true Melancholy. Many, like the split-aparts, will spend their entire lives on a quest for those they believe will be their soul mates.

Because of this the potential Social Media is ever more tantalizing to the Melancholy. They are thoughtful enough to realize that this medium exponentially increases their chances to come into contact with the symbiotic other they are ever seeking.

However, they choose to explore social media in a manner that many do not even consider to be a portion of the spectrum. You will most often find your Melancholies involved in the entertainment realm of social media. They are the role playing gamers who spend hours developing connections with bands of virtual adventurers to overthrow some evil overlord. They will garner millions of points on Pogo as they share of themselves with other online gamers the revealed insecurities of their souls.

To effectively capitalize on the benefits of social media the Melancholy must view it as a mythic adventure designed to bring together those who are destined to connect.

Original article in the series.

Given the understated nature of the those with a supine temperament it seems odd to consider them in relation to the topic of Social Media. However, Tori Deaux and I have decided it might be an excercise that could provide some insight to start with the Supine and work our way through the temperaments and their potential relationships to social media.

It seems good to start with an overview of the Supine temperament followed by the elements of social media that best relate to that temperament.

The Supine is motivated by an intense desire to make a valued contribution to a purpose greater than themselves. Unfortunately, their sense of self worth is so underestimated that they rarely feel their contribution is great enough. As a result, they are often exploited by those who continually call upon them to do, or give more because of their notoriety for never refusing a good cause.

The Supine also feels compelled or driven to appear to others to be humble. They wish it known that they serve a greater purpose and yearn for this drive to be accepted by others who they rely on as to defend their actions from a cold and incomprehensibly (to them) selfish world. Counter intuitively, they will also sacrifice themselves to protect those they percieve as vulnerable or weak.

More than anything else the Supine craves recognition for their service. It is as though their contribution is only valuable when validated by someone else. They constantly seek out opportunities to serve and you will often find them as the most caring, dependable yet behind the scenes worker in an organization.

Their greatest weaknesses are their own insecurities. When left unchecked these insecurities can cause them to become manipulative, weak willed, indecisive, resentful and down right sinister.

They have very little need to initiate association or socialization, but have a high need to be approached by many people for association and socialization.

They have very little desire to control over the lives of others, desire a great deal of control over their lives by others.

They express very little outward affection for others, but desires others to express a great deal of love and affection toward them.

Simply put social media is a network of individuals which depend upon interactions between people of common interest via an electronic medium.

Social media platforms (facebook, link-in, etc) strive to create opportunities for users to make connections by structuring opportunities for interaction. The speed and variety of opportunities network are far greater in an electronic medium than face to face interactions tend to allow.

Social media operates outside the parameters of time and geographic location. You may participate in social media networks by adding comments or even editing the core content itself as is the case with wikipedia. Social media may take the form of text, graphics, audio, or video. Or indeed, formats may be mixed. Typically, social media is available via feeds, subscriptions, feed readers, and other publishers which trawl sources to create mashups such as Lifehacker.

The broad spectrum of topics and purposes create many niches and opportunities for the Supine to find ways to make a visible contribution to a greater mission.

Additionally, Internet marketing is another realm of Social Media. In such context the phrase refers to a collective group of web properties that are driven by users. Blogs, video sharing sites and other mission specific media sites are seen by the Supine as prime areas to contribute to a greater purpose.

A greater synergistic opportunity exists for the Supine who is able to locate the Social Media format that has a greater mission in which they may emotionally invest.

Original article in the series.