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If you have read much of my work you will know I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan. It’s not that I hate the guy or anything. I just don’t feel his “get over it!” philosophy of counseling is the best choice for every situation.

But, I have to admit when it comes to putting a success strategy into words he has some really original ideas (or does he?). When I looked more deeply into the statements they began to ring some familiar bell in my subconscious. I couldn’t really put my finger on it until I was preparing a seminar for some education professionals and I decided to brush up on my Stephen Covey.

Well, you be the judge.

Dr. Phil: Have a vision. Champions get what they want because they know what they want.

Stephen Covey: Begin with the end in mind. Formulate a personal vision statement.

Probably just a coincidence, right?

Dr. Phil: Make a strategy. People who consistently win have a clear and thoughtful strategy.

Stephen Covey: Put first things first. A framework for prioritizing work to achieve long and short term goals.

Well, I mean that one was pretty obvious in the first place.

Dr. Phil: Find a passion.  Be passionately invested in both the journey and the goal.

Stephen Covey: Sharpen the saw. Seek balanced self satisfaction. Remain productive by engaging in related recreational activities.

Uhm… well I’m sure Dr. Phil will have an original thought on this next one.

Dr. Phil: Live the truth. Winners hold themselves to high realistic expectations.

Stephen Covey: Synergize. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Man. Maybe I should just “Get Over It!” and stop obsessing about this thing.

What is the difference between Behavior Consulting and Counseling? It is kind of like looking at the difference between secular and faith based counseling. In fact, there was no differentiation between secular and faith based counseling and behavioral coaching until the 1800’s. Up until that point all three fell into the pervue of the church. The clergy took on the daunting task of bringing hope, counsel and guidance to those who were in need. Medical doctors took on the physical domain and the two didn’t disparage one another.

I. Faith Based Counseling and Secular Counseling.

In the early history of the Church, the Church itself was solely responsible for the counseling of people. As society grew the perception developed that the Christian Community was no longer qualified to counsel its people. As a result, the secular community has all but taken over the responsibility of counseling and behavior modification.

II. Contrasting Faith Based and Secular Counseling

A. Secular Counselor = Agent of the State = Insurance Coverage May Apply

Precepts

1. Everyone has problems; you must learn to live with it. These strategies may help.
2. Human behavior is based on millions of years of evolution. You must continue to evolve emotionally.
3. Self is most important; as long as you do not infringe upon the self of others do what you need to be happy.
4. The problems of self can often be traced to the behaviors of others.

B. Faith Based = Agent of the Church = Fees are often a sliding scale and insurance coverage may not apply.

Precepts

1. Cast off your sins; Christ, the perfect sacrifice has paid the price.

2. God created each of us with a specific temperament. Fighteing your temperament creates disharomony in your sense of well being.

3. God is most important. True happiness is accessible through our proper duty to Him.

4. Face (confess) and accept the consequences (repent) of your actions.

III. Faith based view.

God created us with three areas of need (Inclusion, Control, and Affection) which we may meet through His service.

Inclusion

The need to initiate and maintain surface relationships.

The need to be approached by others for surface relationships.

Control

The need to be in control of relationships with others.

The need for others to control our relationships and behaviors.

Affection

The need to establish love and affection relationships with others.

The need to receive love and affection from others.

IV. The Five Temperament Types. Faith based view.

1. The Melancholy - Forever examining their own shortcomings.

2. The Choleric - Confident and task oriented.

3. The Sanguine - Extremely socially active.

4. The Supine - Quintessential servant ever placing the needs of others first.

5. The Plegmatic - Extremely deliberate perfectionist.

V. So What?

Temperament is an extremely important factor to consider when:

1. Finding compatible career.

2. Finding hobbies that bring the most satisfaction.

3. Making decisions and undertaking responsibilities.

4. Choosing your level of dependence or independence.

5. Charting our spiritual development.

6. Choosing and understanding our mate.

I’m about to share some very personal information with you. While you are reading you may find your self saying, “Careful Reg, your melancholy is showing.”

I will start off by telling you that Hospice has been called in to assist with my mother. If you don’t know about Hospice they are a health care organization that specializes in providing services to patients with “life limiting” illnesses. Hospice concentrates on quality of life rather than quantity. In fact, they have a good website which answers questions about their organization much more completely than I could (Hospice).

I appreciate the organization very much.

That being said, I must wander what series of cultural events lead to a situation when the matriarch of a family with eight children needs outside assistance from an organization like Hospice.

It seems to me that not long ago (was it so long ago?) my family existed in the form of a tribe-like clan. Generations of us lived and died in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia and wherever there was one in need many were there to provide for that need. I remember aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews and nieces in abundance. In fact, the connections were so interwoven that I could not mis-behave at elementary school without the consequence of receiving less that three scoldings or spankings before I completed my walk home at the end of the day.

And yet, now my mother needs the support of a benevolent organization.

The questions screams out to be asked, “Reg, why don’t you take care of your mother?” And the unsatisfying answer is, I am simply too far away. It is a six hour drive from my home and work to where my mother is. No less than three states must be traversed in order for me to reach her. And, sadly, in America, this seems to be the norm.

There have been profound changes in the way American families structure and maintain themselves - and sometimes deconstruct - and those changes have had a profound effect on how our elders spend their declining years. Few adults have had the luxury or good fortune of being able to find and develop gainful employment in the locality in which they grew up. We have found that as a people in order to better ourselves (or in current economic conditions) maintain our standard of living we must be willing to relocate and with relative frequency.

I will again use my own personal experiences as an example. In the small West Virgina community in which I grew up industry had long since moved on. Farming became the marker of a bygone era and drift mining gave way to less expensive strip mining which required a much smaller workforce. The population there has been in a steady decline for generations. As a result I sought out a teaching position in a community some distance away yet within the same state. After several years it became clear that the population there was ebbing and I sought out another position in Florida. After several years there the economic ebb and flow adjusted and I found myself relocating to North Carolina, and it seems I may be moving yet again very soon.

What has this microcosm of my personal experiences to do with the phenomena? Simply this, you can duplicate my experiences with nearly every professional you know. Poll the local public school to find out how many are native to the area. You will be surprised at the result.

As a result many of our parents are “cast adrift” in their time of need.

Here are my struggles. I hope sharing them may prepare you in case you ever find yourself facing this situation.

I had difficulty accepting my feelings. My mother was once a very quick mind. Alzheimer’s and Dementia have robbed her of this. The realization of this is very heavy.

I had difficulty discussing things with others. I experienced a high reluctance to ask enough questions to have a clear understanding of the situation at hand.

There were some mistakes I did not make. I never did things that would undermine my mother’s independence or sense of self confidence. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.

What are your plans for your aging parent? Or, what plans have you made to face you elder years?

In the event of a nuclear holocaust the sole survivors will be the cockroaches and the Phlegmatics.

How’s that for a flat yet inflammatory statement?

Be heartened though because, we Phlegmatics wont only bring our own necessities, we’ll bring everybody else’s too. You see even though we are pragmatic and know when the battle can’t be won we are also relationship oriented. We are amicable and we love people.

What would attract the Phlegmatic to the realm of Social Media?

The joy of logical investigation. Like the mythological Prometheus who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals, Phlegmatics are driven to provide the tools to others needed to improve and grow. Thus they make excellent facilitators of Social Media. They are often the hub connection at which all the other participants make attachments.

These are the persons who are most adept and invaluable as architects of the social media constructs.

In fact there is a site called Phlegmatic Society on MySpace that has breached the topic already.

Original article in the series.

flickr image 

In order to truly understand the nature of the Melancholy you must be familiar with the speech of Arestophanes from Plato’s Symposium.

The original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three n number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, of which the name survives but nothing else. Once it was a distinct kind, with a bodily shape and a name of its own, constituted by the union of the male and the female: but now only the word ‘androgynous’ is preserved and that as a term of reproach.

Terrible was their might and strength and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods; of them is told the tale of Otys and Ephilates who, as Homer says, attempted to scale heaven, and wold have laid hands upon the gods.

So, Zues smote them asunder. Well, of-course those that were singularly male and singularly female died from the wounds right away. But, those which were initially composed of the best of both were strong enough to survive. But, because they were rent apart, they spent the remainder of their existence seeking out that perfect opposite part which would complete them. And such is the origin of the Melancholy. Doomed to ever seek out the one with whom they may achieve perfect intimacy.

Yes, I know I ruthlessly butchered a perfectly beautiful poem. But, hey considering my pathetic understanding of the collected musing of Plato I think I made the point.

Intimacy is the most compelling desire of a true Melancholy. Many, like the split-aparts, will spend their entire lives on a quest for those they believe will be their soul mates.

Because of this the potential Social Media is ever more tantalizing to the Melancholy. They are thoughtful enough to realize that this medium exponentially increases their chances to come into contact with the symbiotic other they are ever seeking.

However, they choose to explore social media in a manner that many do not even consider to be a portion of the spectrum. You will most often find your Melancholies involved in the entertainment realm of social media. They are the role playing gamers who spend hours developing connections with bands of virtual adventurers to overthrow some evil overlord. They will garner millions of points on Pogo as they share of themselves with other online gamers the revealed insecurities of their souls.

To effectively capitalize on the benefits of social media the Melancholy must view it as a mythic adventure designed to bring together those who are destined to connect.

Original article in the series.

Given the understated nature of the those with a supine temperament it seems odd to consider them in relation to the topic of Social Media. However, Tori Deaux and I have decided it might be an excercise that could provide some insight to start with the Supine and work our way through the temperaments and their potential relationships to social media.

It seems good to start with an overview of the Supine temperament followed by the elements of social media that best relate to that temperament.

The Supine is motivated by an intense desire to make a valued contribution to a purpose greater than themselves. Unfortunately, their sense of self worth is so underestimated that they rarely feel their contribution is great enough. As a result, they are often exploited by those who continually call upon them to do, or give more because of their notoriety for never refusing a good cause.

The Supine also feels compelled or driven to appear to others to be humble. They wish it known that they serve a greater purpose and yearn for this drive to be accepted by others who they rely on as to defend their actions from a cold and incomprehensibly (to them) selfish world. Counter intuitively, they will also sacrifice themselves to protect those they percieve as vulnerable or weak.

More than anything else the Supine craves recognition for their service. It is as though their contribution is only valuable when validated by someone else. They constantly seek out opportunities to serve and you will often find them as the most caring, dependable yet behind the scenes worker in an organization.

Their greatest weaknesses are their own insecurities. When left unchecked these insecurities can cause them to become manipulative, weak willed, indecisive, resentful and down right sinister.

They have very little need to initiate association or socialization, but have a high need to be approached by many people for association and socialization.

They have very little desire to control over the lives of others, desire a great deal of control over their lives by others.

They express very little outward affection for others, but desires others to express a great deal of love and affection toward them.

Simply put social media is a network of individuals which depend upon interactions between people of common interest via an electronic medium.

Social media platforms (facebook, link-in, etc) strive to create opportunities for users to make connections by structuring opportunities for interaction. The speed and variety of opportunities network are far greater in an electronic medium than face to face interactions tend to allow.

Social media operates outside the parameters of time and geographic location. You may participate in social media networks by adding comments or even editing the core content itself as is the case with wikipedia. Social media may take the form of text, graphics, audio, or video. Or indeed, formats may be mixed. Typically, social media is available via feeds, subscriptions, feed readers, and other publishers which trawl sources to create mashups such as Lifehacker.

The broad spectrum of topics and purposes create many niches and opportunities for the Supine to find ways to make a visible contribution to a greater mission.

Additionally, Internet marketing is another realm of Social Media. In such context the phrase refers to a collective group of web properties that are driven by users. Blogs, video sharing sites and other mission specific media sites are seen by the Supine as prime areas to contribute to a greater purpose.

A greater synergistic opportunity exists for the Supine who is able to locate the Social Media format that has a greater mission in which they may emotionally invest.

Original article in the series.

I’ve worked on several projects that have been connected in some way to Dr. Ghungsho Zhang. Most of the work has taken the form of his identification of a trend indicated in a numerical analysis and my development of a program to enhance or accommodate for that trend. For example, Dr. Zhang unidentified an over representation of males in discipline referrals and special education referrals in North Carolina. As a result, I developed a series of trainings for teachers which explored how male and female students have natural conduct differences that cannot be addressed in the same ways.

What does that have to do with temperament and social media?

Just this, just because something can be easily measured doesn’t mean it is important. For example, it was easy to measure the cycles of the moon (sunspots, comet proximity, tides, favorite ice cream flavors, etc) when incidents of misbehavior occur but that doesn’t mean the two are connected in any real way.

Again, so what?

That brings us to the numbers of Social Media. It is easy to measure (or at least estimate) the number of users of social media but without knowing the underlying temperament of those measured we will not understand the nature of their use of the medium.

Here are some of the numbers based on a study conducted by Raplief .

Bebo 5,806,867 members
” Bebo is a social media network where friends share their lives and explore great entertainment.”

Blackplanet 1,201,687 members
” BlackPlanet.com is your place to meet and connect with African Americans around the country.”

Classmates 3,051,761 members
“Find a friend or high school alumni from more than 40 million members in over 200000 affiliations at Classmates.com.”

Facebook 5,920,236 members
“An online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges.”

Flickr 2,068,097 members
“Flickr is almost certainly the best online photo management and sharing application in the world.”

Flixter 17,647,399 members
” Flixster is a community for movie fans of all shapes and sizes.”

Friendster 5,260,380 members
“Friendster is focused on helping people stay in touch with friends and discover new people and things that are important to them.”

Hi5 14,679,615 members
“hi5 helps its members stay connected with friends, family and others that are important to them in a simple, fun and safe online environment.”

LinkedIn 841,209 members
“Our mission is to help you be more effective in your daily work and open doors to opportunities using the professional relationships you already have.”

Multiply 1,354,647 members
“Multiply gives you an easy way to share all kinds of digital media, including photos, blogs, videos, music and more, all in one convenient place: your own personal web site.”

MySpace 31,845,954 members
“Create a community on MySpace and you can share photos, journals and interests with your growing network of mutual friends!”

MyYearbook 2,449,251 members
Offers quizzes and a weblog section, as well as videos and free content from CliffsNotes.”

Perfspot 1,159,539 members
“Secure your personal privacy. Find old friends. Have unlimited uploads and much more. For more information, visit us online”

Ringo 9,770,151 members
“Photo and Video Sharing Made Easy”  As you can see Social Media evolves and devolves FAST! Between the time I drafted this article in June and July 6 Ringo went off-line.

Tickle 6,481,601 members
“Tickle is the leading interpersonal media company, providing self-discovery, and social networking services to more than 17 million active members in its community worldwide.”

In each provider the lion’s share of the users are between the ages of 17 and 35. With the major exception being LinkedIn which has is greatest percentage (nearly 25%) of members in the 35-44 year old age bracket.

Still, so what? If you don’t know how these people are using social media to help meet their needs for control, inclusion and affection you really don’t know what is going on here.

Tori Deaux and I are going to try and use this series of articles to explore that concept.

Original article in the series.

flikr image

Social Media is a current hot topic just about everywhere. People are scrambling to “join the conversations” on the various services, but also finding themselves frustrated (see Tori’s article “Why I suck at social media…” )

One aspect of that widespread frustration can be explained through personality temperaments (for an overview, check out this interactive graphic from MindTweaks, or this text overview here on Elemental Truths)

Each temperament and combination of has a different approach to technology, different needs when it comes to socialization.

Extroverts are happy to seek out new friends and contacts, while introverts are more hesitant, preferring to just observe, or to let others come to them.Some temperaments are quick to embrace change, while others prefer more familiar, consistent, and proven technologies. Privacy is also a personality driven issue, as some temperaments need to feel safe and protected, in order to participate in a social environment, while others would be happy with their own posse of cyber paparazzi. Also important is the level of control people have over their use of the service, including visibility, profiles, spam, and so on. We all use the services for different reasons, too - many of them related to temperaments: find customers, build a network of new friends, stay in touch with existing friends, share and inspire creativity, get and provide answers to questions, or just be generally social with strangers.

The frustration appears because most of the latest, greatest social technologies only address the needs of *some* of the temperament types, and make others distinctly uncomfortable, or even anxious. So being successful at social media means knowing which services are best suited to our individual personality, and how to participate comfortably even on services that aren’t well suited to our specific temperaments - otherwise, we run the risk of losing touch with our existing social circles made up of a variety of personalities, and winding up only with friends and contacts in a limited range of temperament - which is not a good thing. The best and most effective social groups (for any purpose) are made up of a variety of personality types.

It’s worth noting that while the older forms of social media (message boards, chat rooms, and instant messaging services) didn’t provide the networking or portability benefits of Web2.0 applications like Facebook, Twitter and Flickr, they did better provide a comfortable space for *all* of the personality types. Hopefully the new services will resolve the conflicts in time - meanwhile, we’ll have to find our own solutions.

So over the next week Reg and I will be exploring the topic of temperament and social media, considering the pros and cons of each service for each personality, from Supine to Melancholy, as well as offering advice on how the various personalities can best use the services for our advantage. We’ll be posting a series of interlinked articles addressing the issue on MindTweaks and Elemental Truths, but you’ll also be able to come back here, and find a listing of all of the links.

We’re hoping the result will be fun, useful, creative, productive, and reduce frustration levels. And *that* should cover just about all of the personality types!

This is a checklist I (Reg) came up with that will give you a fair overview of what YOUR TEMPERAMENT might be.

Other articles in this series.

• Temperaments and Social Media - ET
• Interactive Temperament Graphic -MT
• Social Media and The 5 Temperaments - MT
• In Social Media Measurable Doesn’t Equal Important - ET
• Supines and Social Media - ET
• Surviving Social Media:The Supine Struggle - MT
• Sanguines and Social Media - ET
• The Social Butterfly Meets Social Technology: The Challenges for Sanguines - MT
• Melancholies and Social Media - ET
• In Search of Intimacy: The Melancholy and Social Media - MT
• Phlegmatics and Social Media - ET
• Qietly Participatory: The Phlegmatic and Social Media - MT
• Cholerics and Social Media - ET
• Control and Conquer!: The Choleric and Social Media - MT

Open Source social media platforms we won’t address in depth (in no particular order). By the way, open source just means that you can read the programming code, change the code, modify the code and redistribute the code, usually free of charge.

• spree
• iSocial
• Mahara
• Yogurt
• VMukti
• The PeopleAggregator
• Appleseed
• Mugshot Project
• GetBoo
• Akarru
• Scuttle
• SemanticScuttle
• AROUNDMe
• Clonesumating
• BeWelcome Rox
• ICEcore
• Memephage
• InteractOLE
• Elgg
• CommunityNews
• OpenPNE
• MonkeyChow
• NewsCloud
• Feed Me Links
• WorldSpace
• Social Networking POC
• Zoints
• earth-life-simulation
• PHPizabi
• OzcodeOzcode
• TallStreet
• Jamss
• Dolphin
• Ospo
• AstroSPACES
• FlightFeather
• SNOSS
• OpenSocialNetwork
• S3B
• Facelift

One of our shortfalls as a species is that we are ever comparing ourselves to others. We carry a sort of mental tally board around in our heads and all day long we keep score.

My car is nicer than his.
Her kids are taller than mine.
Our lawn looks better than theirs.
I wonder if she makes more money than me?

It is enough to make a person crazy.

So, why do we do it? Simple, we are the product of a society of liars. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it is true. And the worst offenders are those closest to us.

Don’t believe me? Alright, I’ll prove it.

Here are some of the most common things people lie about (gender specific).
Their age (women).
Their weight (men and women).
Their height (men).
Their salary (men).
Their love-life (men and women).

Here are some specific lies people tell (gender specific).
I’m sorry (men in an attempt to move on).
I’m not married (men).
I’m leaving the office right now (men).
I have a boyfriend (women).
You are the only man for me (women).
I’m not angry (women).

Now for the part that will put you in therapy.

You’re a new parent who hasn’t slept all night since the baby came home six weeks ago.
Your “friends” say, “Our baby slept through the night the first night home from the hospital.”

Your mental score card says, you must be a bad parent or there is something wrong with your kid.

You start a blog complete with pay per click ads. The first three months you only make about $30.00. Your “friend” says, “I made $300.00 from my site the first month and its only gone up from there.”

Your mental score card kicks in. You must be a bad writer and should quit trying to fool yourself.

You put in 5 years into a career and the guy who started with you makes VP and you don’t.

Your mental score card says, “obviously, you don’t have leadership ability, or the position would have been yours.”

What is the answer? How can you save your sanity?

First, you should really consider not associating with people who make you feel bad about yourself (moms don’t count).

Second, measure your success based on YOUR progress not someone else’s.

Third, have enough sense to know when people are lying to you. NOBODY has a baby that let them sleep through the night.

No matter how careful you are with your selection of a career path you may at some point find that you are no longer happy with your work. Often this has nothing to do with how you feel about the actual job you signed on to do. In our ever evolving workplace leadership changes on a very regular basis. And every new leader who comes to an organization feels compelled to leave his or her mark.

Nearly every day I run into someone who is thoroughly disgusted with their job situation. I call it the Willie Loman syndrome.

This can be a temporary setback due to high stress, overwork or burnout.

The circumstances can also be so severe the individual requires a complete career change. Sometimes the only solution they see lies in the autonomy of entrepreneurship.

In these situations I recommend the following questions for self assessment.

1. What do you like to do?
2. What are your interests and hobbies?
3. What are your areas of expertise?
4. Do you have any special skills?
5. What industry are you most interested in?
6. What are your financial needs?
7. How much financial risk are you will to expose yourself to?
8. Would you be more comfortable operating a small business with a few employees or a large business with many employees?
9. How many years do you want to work?
10. Will your current physical condition withstand the pressures and stress associated with starting a business?
11. Where will you live and work?
12. How many hours per week are you willing to work?

The key is to takes the results of your desires assessment and match them to a compatible business venture.