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Through the years a great deal has been written about the eyes and their impact on human behavior.

We use phrases like, “She stared daggers at me,” “He had a gleam of mischief in his eye,” “She has bedroom eyes,” or “He gave me the evil eye.” When we use these phrases we are referring to the impact of the eyes on the behavior of others.

In reality there are three basic types of gaze:

-Social
-Intimate
-Power

The Social Gaze is a nonthreatening scan of the invisible triangle created by connecting the eyes to the upper lip. If you maintain 90% of your gaze in this area you will be perceived as nonthreatening and amicable.

The Intimate Gaze is the “up and down” utelized when approaching the opposite sex. The longer this gaze lingers the greater the demonstration of potential interest. This gaze moves from the eyes all the way down to the lower body and back again.

The Power Gaze is an inversion of the Social Gaze. This gaze travels from the eyes up to the center of the forehead. The longer the attention is focused to the area above and between the eyes the more intimidating the effect on the the recipient of the gaze. The impact of this technique must be felt to be believed. Use this gaze only on a person you need to intimidate or stop in their tracks. It is a powerful technique.

Elemental Value Added Truth: Look in the mirror. The face that pins you with its double gaze reveals a chastening secret.
Diane Ackerman

The direction, duration and intensity of your gaze has a powerful impact on the persons you interact with. In addition the gaze of others speaks volumes of meaning about what is on their minds. It is even possible to gauge which memories and emotions the other person is accessing by closely monitoring the direction of the their gaze as they speak.

Psychologists Grinder and Bandler have even developed a categorizing technique for interpretation known as the Neurolingustic Program, or NLP. The process is so specific that you can tell whether a person is accessing a memory of something they have seen, something they have heard, something they have smelled or something they have touched.

There are four basic categorizations.

1. If a person is recalling something they have seen, their eyes will move upward.
2. If a person is recalling something they have heard, their eyes will move to the side and their head will tilt as if they are listening.
3. If a person is recalling an emotion or a feeling, their eyes will move down and to the right.
4. If a person is carrying on an internal mental dialogue, their eyes will move down and to the left.

The problem with the system is that the behaviors occurs so fast and in such rapid clusters that they are extremely difficult to detect with the naked eye. But, if you are conducting and interview which is being video taped you can review the tape later and find out what the person is really thinking as opposed to what they are saying.

An awareness of how people process information can provide you with an excellent communication tool.

Another useful technique concerning the eyes has to do with your ability to make connections with the groups of people you speak to. As a presenter I soon learned that if I did not make quick connections with my audience, my effectiveness and the value they were able to gain from my presentations became greatly diminished. As a result I adopted the following gaze procedure for connecting with my audience.

In smaller groups of 25-50 people it is possible to make contact with each individual in the audience on a regular basis. But, in larger groups you are usually separated by some distance and on a podium or stage. This makes regular individual eye contact problematic. But, if you adopt the following procedure you can achieve the same result.

When there are several yards separating you from your audience you should immediately pick out five persons in the audience. Choose one person in the right rear corner, one person in the left rear corner, one person in the right front corner, one person in the left front corner and one person in the very middle of the group. When you look at those persons the twenty people surrounding them will be under the impression that you are making eye contact with them. This builds a sense of intimacy and rapport with the majority of your audience.

Elemental Value Added Truth: Look into the mirror, the face that pins you with it’s double gaze reveals a chastening secret. Diane Ackerman

Do you know the easiest way to keep someone from hitting you?

Before I tell you, I’ll give you some of the standard suggestions and I’ll tell you why they don’t work.

• Step back- If you begin to retreat from an aggressive person it will be seen as a sign of fear and weakness and therefore an opportunity to attack.

• Take a deep breath - This will make it appear that you are stalling for time because the other person has the advantage.
• Think for a few seconds - An irate person will view this as a stalling technique.
• Use humor - Unless you are very good at this techniques the other will view you as being disrespectful.

As you can see most of the “canned” suggestions for addressing confrontational behavior are flawed in there conception. Some assume you have experience in dealing with this type of issues to the extent you can interact in a calm and dispassionate manner (a status it to me years to reach). Others assume you have large amounts of time to put strategies in place and evaluate their effectiveness before adjusting your approach. Some assume you have a prior relationship and understanding of the confrontational individual. In fact, it is rarely the case that these circumstances are present.

So, what can you do?

How can you stop a violently confrontational person from hitting you?

Are you ready?

Get you pen and pad out, you’re going to want to write this down.

Cue the drum roll and climactic music.

How do you stop a violently confrontational person from hitting you?

Ask them, “Are you going to hit me?”

It is absolutely the most disarming strategy you can employ. There is something about that simple direct question that impacts the other person like a bucket of ice water over the head.

It probably has something to do with getting the persons attention. When you are angry enough to strike another person you are so focused on the rage that everything else becomes detached from your consciousness. Something about that question has the emotional equivalent of blasting your focus through a long dark tunnel at extreme speed bursting into the blinding light of reality. It will actually cause a person to catch their breath because of the physiological impact.

Now, Grasshopper, it is time for you to go.

Welt is the German word for world. Anschauung is the German word for view.  So, weltanschauung is the German philosophy or conceptualization of a unified World View. World wide perception or outlook.

What a great way to build a framework for ideas and philosophies into one handy (if unpronounceable) term.

Check your world view on this site and share it back here.

A lot of people are writing today about why Americans aren’t more happy. We have a high standard of living. We have unlimited potential for advancement. We have a cafeteria plan for faith and philosophical choices. Still, everywhere you look advertisers and marketers are pitching products to improve your dismal circumstances.

But, we don’t need a new product. We need to understand the nature of our own being. Maslow called it self-actualization, some call it Karma. Whatever you term it you must come to an understanding of how to meet your basic needs in control, affection and inclusion in positive ways, without infringing upon the rights of others.

It is interesting that so many seek a destination without ever studying the route.

Last week I received a letter from a very respected individual who was asking for my advice with counseling a behavior issue. At first, I was impressed. This very busy person had taken the time to write a letter on actual paper and then put it in the United States Mail. That isn’t something that usually happens. More often, I get emails or voice messages. So, before I even read the letter I decided I would go out of my way to help.

Then I started reading the letter…

Dear Lord, how could anyone send such a mess?

This was an extremely intellegent person, but he had become so unaccustomed to putting a pen to paper that his message was all but lost in the writing.

So, I thought it would be a good idea to review some of the tenets of good letter writing to make sure I was communicating clearly. Then I decided to share with you in case you were a bit rusty as well.

Here goes.

1. Use complete sentences.
2. Make the first sentence of a paragraph strong enough to stand alone.
3. Avoid profession jargon.
4. Avoid use of contractions. Use is not rather than isn’t whenever possible.
5. If you are not certain about the spelling of a word, look it up.
6. Proofread before sending the letter.
7. Stick to one style. Use professional or informal but not both.
8. Avoid anything that does not add to the message.
9. If you use quotes, list the source.
10. Avoid using statistics if at all possible.

What are your rules for clear written communication?

My field is behaviors and temperament. If I write in that area you can pretty much trust that I know what I’m talking about. When I want to know something about Internet publishing I read the work of those who know what their talking about. Ted Demopoulos know what he’s talking about and he has put together a very nice list on building the traffic to your site.

My favorite stategy is his “Pillar” Post Articles (I added the “Post” part, it was too much to resist). It is number ten on his list and it goes like this.

10. Write at least five major “pillar” articles. A pillar article is a tutorial style article aimed to teach your audience something. Generally they are longer than 500 words and have lots of very practical tips or advice. This article you are currently reading could be considered a pillar article since it is very practical and a good “how-to” lesson. This style of article has long term appeal, stays current (it isn’t news or time dependent) and offers real value and insight. The more pillars you have on your blog the better.

Read the rest.

When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

I’ve been working for many years in the field of behavior disorders and emotional disturbances. The aspect that most captures the attention of most people is confrontational behavior. The odd thing is, I see so much of it that I don’t notice it that much. That is bad. When you lose too much sensitivity to an issue you run the risk of being less effective in teaching better replacement behaviors.

Occasionally, I take time to review the precepts and thus reoriented myself to the key issues. As it is time for my self reflection I am sharing the exercise with you so that you may gain some insight into the issue.

Finally, I must often remind myself that confrontation in and of itself is not a maladaptive behavior.

First, what are the reasons some do not react in a confrontational manner to severe stressors?

• fear of rejection
• fear of consequences
• fear of losing control

Next, what are down fall areas of a lack of confrontation skills.

• uncontrolled outbursts
• emotionally damage
• altered sense of reality
• public failure

Who are those who are successful with the skills of confrontational behavior.

• diplomats
• leaders
• business persons

How can confrontational behaviors be utelized in a positive manner.

Before Confrontation the individual must engage in Introspection.

• why are you upset
• what do you desire
• what is the root

During confrontation the individual must maintain respect for the other party.

• time and place
• one to one
• calm
• mutual purpose
• body language

After confrontation defined actions must be put in place.

• agreement
• follow up

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8