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Over the next few weeks the situation between Javelina and BBW grew steadily worse. Javelina became ever more frustrated with BBW’s controlling mannerisms. Know that she understood the needs of his temperament were to protect himself from potential injury rather than an underlying need for control she began to be resentful that he did not grant her the trust she felt she had earned.

BBW, on the other hand, was near panic. His controlling behaviors had been exposed for what they were, mechanisms of manipulation. He now had to make major adjustments in how he treated others and it was not a change he was completely prepared for.

Javelina finally expressed that she felt the situation was hopeless. She was beginning to feel that it was time to end the marriage. This through BBW into an escalating spin of furious behaviors which did not to help resolve the situation.

BBW felt that he was providing love by spending time with Javelina. Javelina felt that he was simply manipulating her in order to have more time to directly control her. She felt his idea of quality time together was to filibuster the communication never allowing her a chance to contribute.

Further, he would not adjust his schedule to spend more time with Javelina. He expected her to adjust her work and life schedule to accommodate the time blocks he wanted to spend together. He clearly stated he only wanted to talk when it fit his schedule.

Tomorrow will see the conclusion of this narrative and the temperament counseling of Javelina and the Big Bad Wolf.

To begin this session I initiated a dialog with BBW about his choices in the previous session.

Dr. Adkins: “During our last session you became quite upset when I brought up the topic of addressing the way you deal with your anger.”

BBW: “I was angry because you said that I was an angry person and that I needed to come to grips with my anger issues. I didn’t feel like I have any more issues with anger than anyone else.”

Dr. Adkins: “I knew it was a risky to address the anger issue, but I felt the payoff in terms of long term personal growth outweighed the risk. Going through life with a vial of emotional nitroglycerin strapped to your chest isn’t healthy for anyone. The explosions can be devastating to everyone in the vicinity. Think about how many of your minor disagreements have become major altercations when your temper has flared.”

BBW: “I guess I do get angry a lot. But, after our last session I don’t know what to think. I was really ticked. I thought counseling was supposed to calm things down and I could have blown down six brick houses after that day. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.”

Dr. Adkins: “I can see that our exchange has made an impact on you. You seem more receptive to counseling.”

BBW: “I admit you kind of shocked me. We’ve been to counselors before and none of them ever laid it out so matter of fact without getting upset before. I have to respect someone who can take a stand without losing their cool.”

After this discussion we did some problem solving together. I walked them both through how different temperaments have different needs to control and different tolerances of being controlled.

Dr. Adkins: “BBW, your profile indicates that your true nature in the areas of control is that of a phlegmatic. But, because you are operating in crisis mode so much of the type you are functioning as a choleric. You must come to understand that this is not a natural or positive place for you. As long as you continue to be motivated by anxiety to exercise such a high degree of control you will not find a way to be content.”

BBW: ” I don’t WANT to be in control Javelina Ihave to. If I don’t I know she is going to run off to one of her two sisters house and leave me in a broken home. So, I have to control her to make certain things don’t get out of hand. It wears me out. But, that’s the way my family does things. If you don’t keep a tight control of everything, then everything starts falling apart.”

Javelina: “That’s why I don’t want to come home! I don’t want to be under someones thumb. You want me to live and breath by your schedule and I hate that. I’ll do what I should do without someone telling me too. In fact I’m less likely to do things if I’m told exactly how and when to do them. I won’t be treated like a mindless puppet.”

As we continued to work together BBW’s intense fear of losing control became ever more apparent. At first it seemed he was very stubborn about acknowledging many things were outside our control. After a long discussion, he still didn’t agree. It was about this time that I came to realize he didn’t really understand what I was saying. He was unable to step beyond himself and see the greater picture of life. He felt if he maintained a strict control around everything in his life that the universe would somehow come into a harmonious state as well. And, if he couldn’t have complete order (ie control) in his life, he felt the chaos his huffing and puffing created contributed no worse a situation than that which naturally arose.

I offered him the following view. We may not be able to control all the facets of our lives. We can, however, control the way in which we react to it. We can plan for contingencies but we cannot foresee all difficulties that might arise. To try to control all was to court misery and discontent in our lives.

He did not necessarily agree with my view was true for him. He felt that if he tried as hard as he could and he followed a strict set of rules and enforced obedience to the rules to those around him that he really could change things. After some time he came to the understanding that setting unachievable goals of perfection could only lead to failure. Some of which had already begun to evidence itself in his life. He began to see that if strict adherence and enforcement of the rules were going to work for him that he would have already begun to see success in his life by now. It was a productive session.

In the next session Javelina’s desperation with BBW’s controlling behaviors reaches the breaking point.

Do you know a BBW or a Javelina?

This was the second full counseling session and we began to delve into specific complaints. BBW’s complaint about Javelina spanned a wide gambit. Here they are in his own words in list form.

• Javelina did not want to spend any time with him
• Javelina had abandoned the family
• Javelina spent too much time at work
• Javelina demonstrated her neglect by not getting the children to school on time
• Javelina was irresponsible
• Javelina’s behavior was causing BBW to become disillusioned with their marriage
• Javelina’s suggestion that they end the marriage was more evidence of her culpability for the problems
• BBW felt she was being disobedient to God’s will to consider divorce
• He denied his marriage was collapsing stating things “weren’t that bad”

When Javelina interjected that things were that bad, he immediately began trying to convince her that she was wrong.

In order to clarify the severity of the situation for BBW I began asking him the following two somewhat pointed questions.

“BBW, what can be accomplished when one person in a disagreement tries to control the situation by attempting to manipulate the other?”

and

“Do you think a marriage can be kept going by sheer force of will?”

At this point BBW became angry. He attempted to vent his anger by blaming me for the marital difficulties they were currently experiencing. Although, I was amused that he would assume this posture I knew the proper technique was to assume an attitude of confidence and directly, simply and clearly state the limits of behavior that I was willing to tolerate. This action I took in a very decisive manner. As he had expected to draw me out to engage in a pointless argument, thus evading the core issue, this took him completely off guard. His manner deflated and he was cleared flustered by my response.

I allowed him to ramble for a few minutes and then explained to him in no uncertain terms that their marital issues existed wholly independent of any interaction either he or Javelina had ever had with me, and accusations designed to deflect responsibility onto me would not be tolerated.

He was angry for some time. I quietly waited him out. Silence is a powerful tool that many are uncomfortable with. Eventually, he succumbed to it.

Near the end of the session Javelina had to leave. When the audience for his behavior began to be removed he settled back down and we reopened the dialog.

In order to establish a therapeutic rapport after his acting out behavior I began to speak to him about ways in which he could more positively express his anger and disagreement. At this point he began to speak non-stop in an effort to overwhelm me with his position. I made a short, firm, forceful but calm interjection and informed him that this was not an acceptable manner for interacting with me and restated my refusal to tolerate it.

He became angry again. Again, I confronted him and pointed out the ways in which I would accept his participation. I then outlined some techniques that would allow him to positive address his anger issues. He was quite taken aback and left the session “huffing and puffing” in an abrupt manner.

Post session notes:

I have been involved in many hostile interactions and counseling session over the years, and presenting a confident, firm yet nonthreatening posture has always served me well. However, it isn’t for everyone and you really have to know your antagonists. You should know that neither BBW nor Javelina kept the appointment for the session scheduled for the next week. Neither did they keep the appointment scheduled for the week after that. However, on the third week they returned to counseling for session three.

Flickr Photo Thanks Tori Deaux

This session was used primarily to collect information and complete both the Arno Profile System Response Form and the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. Gathering background information was also a component.

Background information on Javelina was not easy to gather. But, it was apparent that she experienced abuse when she was growing up. She was unable to recall a time in her life when she was not sexually active. In fact, it was so much the norm in her family, that when she became strong enough to stand up to the situation her family was quite shocked that she was no longer going to allow the abuse to continue. She believed that her family background were the major factors in her self esteem issues and the difficulty she was experiencing in her marriage.

BBW was able to manipulate Javelina by arguing with her. The most surprising element of this was BBW’s arguments were so poorly constructed it was amazing they could sway anyone. His logic, when present at all, was extremely flawed. Most obvious of these were is use of broad generalities and absolutes (You always… We never… No one…). However, his favorite techniques was to simply blow her house down with a never ending, volume increasing barrage of words until she succumbed just to quiet the maelstrom of his words.

When I pointed out that BBW was controlling their arguments with these techniques he became very defensive. He did not like talking about these concerns at all. In fact his anger invariably was verbally vented upon Javelina after the sessions.

Working with BBW was very difficult due to his repeated attempts to talk over others and derail the conversation with unceasing rants. He seemed to believe if he could keep anyone one else from speaking, he would win out due to attrition. It was rather like watching a two year old shouting his argument while jamming his fingers in his ears to avoid being contradicted.

I admit I struggled with finding a way to see the good in this man. He was extremely irritating and obnoxious to the point that I was surprised that the marriage had lasted as long as it had.

In the next installment we will attempt to mine out the core issues.

Previous Installments:

• Part one.
• Part two.
• Part three.

It was during this time that Javelina confided in me that she was close to leaving BBW. I asked him how he felt about divorce. He was stunned that I would ask this question. He wanted to know why I would ask. I explained to him that if he didn’t come to counseling as Javelina was pleading with him to do, that divorce was an inevitable factor in his future. In his very near future as in within the next month. He immediately began to protest that divorce was contrary to his and Javelina’a faith. I explained to him that I understood this but that divorce proceedings were none the less eminent unless he agreed to take part in the process for addressing their problems. At the end of this discussion he agreed to come to counseling.

BBW was the youngest child in an extremely controlling family. In spite of being the youngest he felt he was the most balanced and spiritual of his family. However, as I collect information it seemed to me that every member of the family was of the self-same opinion about their own degree of “rightness.” They were all of very strong opinion and presented as very high in expressed control. This was the way the family addressed their problems. However, BBW’s APS report did not align with this behavior. In fact, I began to question the report accuracy. He presented as a choleric in control rather than the reported phlegmatic-melancholy.

During this time Javelina found a support group and began taking classes. She was making dramatic improvements. She grew from being highly distractible and randomly purposed to well focused and insightful. BBW did not care for many of the changes in Javelina and that exacerbated their need for counseling.

At the onset of the sessions we decided that the ultimate goal of the counseling was to provide them with a better self insight and mutual understanding. We utilized both the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and the Arno Profile System. The premise was, if they knew how their temperaments manifested needs they would be better able to understand and tolerate each of their underlying needs and this would positively impact their marital relationship. In addition, I hoped to help BBW see that his controlling mannerisms were damaging, rather than contributing to the growth of their marriage.

The next segment will begin counseling session one.

Previous Installments:

• Part one.
• Part two.

In the first segment of this series, I introduced you to an exchange from an initially counseling session with the Big Bad Wolf. Now I would like to lay some of the ground work which brought about this exchange.

Case Information

• Sex: Male
• Name: Big Bad Wolf (aka. BBW)
• Age: 35
• Present Marital Status: Married
• Children: None
• Employed: Construction Demolition

Reason for Seeking Counseling

1. Wife was threatening divorce if he didn’t come to counseling
2. He wanted to help her through her problems

Overview

His Arno Profile System (A.P.S.) report indicated that he was:

1. Supine Compulsive in Inclusion
2. Phlegmatic Melancholy in Control
3. Phlegmatic Sanguine in Affection

Her A.P.S. report indicated that she was:

1. Melancholy in Inclusion
2. Melancholy Compulsive in Control
3. Phlegmatic Supine in Affection

Session Notes:

I first met BBW and his wife Javalina at a community action group where I was speaking. The group disbanded and they both shared with me that the director was too controlling, and had killed the group because of his leadership style. I was not long after I got to know Javelina that that she asked to see me and confessed that she and her husband, B.B.W., were having marital problems. He denied the problems and explained that Javelina had low self-esteem and needed to be grow up and get control of herself. He said the abuse in her past was insignificant and Javelina made too much of the issue. She said that he didn’t want to talk about it, but “brush it under the rug and pretend that it was okay.” After talking with him, I realized she was probably right.

Initially her reasons for counseling were more to recover from the abuse than salvaging the marriage. Javelina had a great sense of humor and made those around her laugh at more delicate personal subjects (such as her abuse). Her style of communication when talking about serious subjects, was humor.

She was abused by her uncles, brothers, and friends of the family. She said it was not uncommon, living in the rural areas of West Virginia. During the exchange I recorded BBW controlling her with phrases like “you are so dumb” or “you’ll never be anything but a freak” or “you just missed it at birth.” She believed him. He did not see that he was any part of the problem. When she brought up counseling, he said she was the one with problems; she should go to counseling.

In the next installment I address what finally brought about BBW’s agreement to attend counseling.

Would you happen to have a graphic that would make this post?

Previous Installment:

• Part one

When I train and counsel those (parents or professionals) who must deal with conflict situations on a regular basis, I notice three  areas in their techniques which are better served with a replacement skill.

The three target areas:

1. Issuing ultimatums. Rarely will making threats create the desired result on a long term basis.
    
2. Punishing rather than coaching. Set limits with predictable, logical, natural consequences.
    
3. Talking rather than listening. Taking the time to listen provides valuable insight into conduct.

After examining each persons situation and temperament , I work with them to develop a successful replacement skill set for setting limits.

Each persons situation is quite unique. However, it is rare that the following 5 techniques are not part of the successful skill set.

Five-Step Limit Setting

1. Be “what” specific. Explain to the individual why a particular incident of conduct or behavior is not acceptable. Saying, “knock it off!” or a disapproving look is not enough. The person may not know it is the volume rather than the language that is meeting disapproval.
2. Be “why” specific. Again, don’t assume your staff member knows turning his back on a customer or colleague during a conversion is considered offensive.
3. Provide logical consequences. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, offer the person choices and explain what the consequences of each choice are. For example, “I understand you aren’t happy with your purchase. You may return it for a store credit, or you may have cash back. If you return it for a store credit I’ll add 10% to the value for your next purchase. If your take the cash back, it will have to be for the current sale price which is 25% less than your purchase price.”
4. Be Patient. It takes a few moments for most of us to process the pros and cons of a choice. This is doubly true when emotions are running high.
5. Enforce your consequences. Setting the limits is pointless if you don’t consistently enforce your consequences. This is why it is so important in step three to provide logical consequences that you can live with.

I invite you to share your views on this topic.

Over the years I’ve answered a lot of questions about the essence of temperament analysis and how it can be used as a counseling technique to help people. But, it seems I answer the same basic questions over and over.

So, inspired by a brilliant little book titled Fish! by Stephen Cundin, Harry Paul, and John Christensen, I’ve written this little parable which tells the fictitious story of the Big Bad Wolf, who after scores of poor choices and years of misbehavior was pressed into counseling to find a way to address his maladaptive, antisocial behaviors.

The story opens as the Big Bad Wolf arrives for his first day of required counseling.

Dr. Adkins: Hello Mr. Big Bad Wolf. How are you today?

BBW: I’m okay, I guess.

Dr. Adkins: Good. Do you prefer Mr. Wolf, or Big Bad perhaps?

BBW: BB is fine.

Dr. Adkins:Alright, BB it is then. I see here that you are here for required temperament counseling. Can you tell me about that?

BBW: Yeah. I had to come here. Supposedly, I have some “issues” I’m supposed to work on. Say, just what is this temperament analysis stuff anyway and how can it help me?

Dr. Adkins: Temperament analysis is a counseling method designed to help you find appropriate ways to meet your underlying needs for affection, inclusion and control in acceptable ways that don’t infringe upon the rights and needs of others.

BBW:Oh great. Another touchy, feely “talk therapy” jockey who wants me to tell them how upset I am because my mommy didn’t hold me enough for endless months on end. This is sure to be useful. What do you know about me anyway? How many more minutes until we’re done?

Dr. Adkins:BB, your attempts to maneuver me into avoiding issues aren’t going to to be successful. I understand that you may be feeling distrustful and suspicious. You may even doubt my qualifications. Let me put one of your concerns to rest. My credentials are clearly displayed and you are welcome to examine each of them at your leisure.

I don’t feel compelled to explain myself. Remember, you came to me. On the other hand, I do want you to be at ease. So, I will discuss some of your concerns.

This is not talk therapy. Talk therapy can last for months or years. This is temperament analysis. The model is designed around a five session plan. If I can’t help you in five sessions, I probably can’t help you. Further, I’m not overly concerned about how much you were or were not held as a youth. Although, your desire to express and receive affection is definitely an element of your temperament and we will look into. I’m more interested in helping you find ways to meet your needs now in a positive way. In addition, as you say I don’t know you very well, we will be utilizing this temperament analysis tool to help us identify your basic needs for affection, inclusion and control.

Now, if your interested in finding the way to a better life, complete this temperament analysis and the intake forms and let’s get moving on this. Or, continue your downward spiral until you’re ordered to another counselor. The choice is yours.

……………………………………………………………………………..

After some reflection and examination of his options BB decided to go ahead and commit to the 5 sessions. He figured it would get the heat off his back and, truth be told, he was kind of intrigued about this concept that everyone has the same needs for control, affection and inclusion but they are expressed at different levels.

BB completed the intake forms and the Temperament Analysis and we set the appointment for his first counseling session.

In the next installment we will explore the results of BB temperament analysis and commence the scheduled prescription of sessions.

Adding Elemental Truths to your blog reader will insure you don’t miss the upcoming installments.

1. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.

2. Read the entire test before you mark any marks.least like you. Be objective.

3. Before each word in each column enter a number from 1-5.

• Five being most like you.

• One being least like you.

• Be objective.

4. Solicit two friends to complete the profile rating you in the same way.

5. AFTER marking your responses continue to the scoring key.

Choleric Phlegmatic Melancholy Sanguine Supine

Self ­­­_______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Friend ­­­­­_______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Friend _______ _______ _______ _______ _______

Grading Instructions:

Add only the 3-5 numbers which occur in each column (omit the 1’s and 2’s). Place the totals on the indicated lines.

Analyzing the Results

Your score summary now contains your feelings as well as the input of your friends. In most cases there will be some variation. However, your dominate temperament should be readily identifiable as the larger score.

These are, of course, very casual views based on the work of Dr. James Arno and some writings of Tim LaHaye. But, they can provide some interesting insight into your underlying temperament.

Temperament Overview

Choleric

Motivation: Power

Needs: To Look Good (Academically), To Be Right, To Be Respected, Approval

Wants: To Hide Insecurities (Tightly), To Please Self, Leadership, Challenging Adventure

Positives: Independent, Have Goals, Know How They Want to Solve a Problem, Decisive, Visionary

Negatives: Cruel, Egotistical, Unemotional, Domineering, Unforgiving

Melancholy

Motivation: Intimacy

Needs: To Be Good (Morally), To Be Understood, To Be Appreciated, Acceptance,

Wants: To Reveal Insecurities, To Please Others, Autonomy, Security

Positives: Gifted, Self Sacrificing, Helpful, Thoughtful, Faithful

Negatives: Moody, Critical, Negative, Resentful, Suspicious

Phlegmatic

Motivation: Peace

Needs: To Feel Good (Inside), To Be Understood, To Be Respected, Acceptance, To Reveal Insecurities

Wants: To Please Others, Protection, Contentment

Positives: Peace Makers, Quiet, High Self Control, Calm in a Crisis, Efficient, Good Listener

Negatives: Unmotivated, Procrastinate, Indecisive, Fearful, Avoider

Sanguine

Motivation: Fun

Needs: To Look Good (Socially), To Be Popular, To Be Praised, Approval

Wants: To Hide Insecurities (Loosely), To Be Noticed, Freedom, Playful Adventure

Positives: Entertaining, Outgoing, Responsive, Warm, Friendly

Negatives: Undependable, Undisciplined, Egotistical, Prone to Exaggeration, Compulsive Talker

Supine

Motivation: Contribution

Needs: To Look Humble, To Serve a Greater Purpose, To Be Accepted, To Protect Weaknesses.

Wants: Recognition for Service, Opportunities to Serve, To Contribute to a Higher Calling, To Be Protected

Positives: Caring, Giving, Gentle, Dependable, Loyal

Negatives: Insecure, Manipulative, Weak Willed, Indecisive, Harbors Ill Will

Free Online Tests

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php

http://www.advisorteam.com/temperament_sorter/register.asp

http://www.olympus.net/personal/athena/

One of the few temperaments that is doesn’t nearly always represented itself with heavy blending of other temperaments is the melancholy. It is not uncommon to encounter those who are high melancholies in control, inclusion and affection. In fact, this is true to such an extent that many are compulsive melancholies in at least two of the three areas of need.

So, it is not unlikely that if you are a melancholy you may be a compulsive melancholy in control, a compulsive melancholy in inclusion and a high melancholy in affection.

As a compulsive melancholy you may find that you prefer your own thoughts and reflections to frivolous conversations. Small talk and chit-chat are not pursuits that you choose to engage in. If you have something to say, you say it. Contrived socialization is a drain on your energy and patience. You prefer a good book.

You don’t typically approach others to engage in idle chatter and, truth be told, you would actually prefer they left you out of such things. You find yourself puzzled by those who are ever seeking to “include you in the fun.” It isn’t fun. You don’t want to be offensive or stand offish, you’d simply prefer not to bother with it.

What others think of you isn’t an issue you overly concern yourself with. You are self-motivated. If you feel something is worthwhile to pursue, you will take it up, if not, you won’t.

You have a tendency to under value yourself. In fact, when you bring something to fruition you seek out the imperfections in it so that you can confirm your undervalued self assessment. But, if someone else points out a flaw, you are easily insulted and offended and are not above putting them in their proper place. You drive for perfection from yourself and others can make things very difficult for you.

Your mind is constantly engaged. It simply will not shut off. This is especially true when you reflect upon your imperfections. Your mind is so adept at reliving negative experiences that those experiences become magnified and cause you distress long after they have ceased to be a factor in your life.

You have the ability to direct your mood via the thought path you choose to follow. If you think about the positives your mood becomes positive. If you think about the negatives, your mood becomes negative. This makes you an excellent listener as it makes you extremely empathetic with the speaker.

Those you fully trust are a very select few who have proven themselves to you time and again. Those who spontaneously try to engage you are viewed with a suspicious lens until you decide whether they are genuine.

You are rebellious and independent and hold no truck with those who attempt to foist responsibilities on you that you do not want. You firmly believe that as you have no desire to control the lives of others they have no basis to expect any control over your life.

You don’t seek out leadership, but if others choose to follow your lead because you take decisive and direct action they are welcome to come along for the ride. They are welcome, that is, as long as they adhere to your code for order, truth, reliability and dependability.

You prefer to keep your personal life personal. You don’t give yourself over to dramatic displays of affection and public displays by others tend to make you uncomfortable and even embarrassed. Deep relationships are reserved for a very select few in your life. But, for those you do allow into your sanctum sanctorum you would likely sacrifice your life to protect them.

What others need to know about you:

• you require time for quiet reflection
• you will not be pushed into frivolous social engagements
• you prefer tasks to chatter
• you want any criticism in private, if at all
• you don’t appreciate public displays of affection

What you need to know about yourself:

• Everyone must answer to some higher power, including you.
• It is imperative that you find a way to calm your mind, consider a hobby such as puzzles, fishing, hiking, etcetera.

Take a few minutes to reflect and share you observations and reactions in the comments section. I am interested in the perspective of all, but I specifically invite you to comment.

Other articles in this series:

What if I’m a Melancholy Compulsive Choleric?

What if I’m a Phlegmatic Supine?

What if I’m a Phlegmatic Melancholy?

What is a Blended Temperament?