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I am in the middle of a physical move.

Regular posting should resume around August 15.

When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

As with confrontation itself, confrontational body language has be positive or negative as well.

Here are the characteristics of positive confrontational body language

• Head level
• Eye contact
• Hands down
• Palms open
• Feet shoulder width apart
• Head cocked
• Folded arms with chin touch
• Leaning in
• Head nod
• Hand dusting at the end

Here are the aspects of negative confrontational body language.

• Looking down
• Looking away
• Pacing
• Tounch mouth, nose, throat
• Clenched fists
• Tightly crossed arms
• Hands on hips
• Finger pointing
• Hands in front of chest
• Hands behind back

I’ve been working for many years in the field of behavior disorders and emotional disturbances. The aspect that most captures the attention of most people is confrontational behavior. The odd thing is, I see so much of it that I don’t notice it that much. That is bad. When you lose too much sensitivity to an issue you run the risk of being less effective in teaching better replacement behaviors.

Occasionally, I take time to review the precepts and thus reoriented myself to the key issues. As it is time for my self reflection I am sharing the exercise with you so that you may gain some insight into the issue.

Finally, I must often remind myself that confrontation in and of itself is not a maladaptive behavior.

First, what are the reasons some do not react in a confrontational manner to severe stressors?

• fear of rejection
• fear of consequences
• fear of losing control

Next, what are down fall areas of a lack of confrontation skills.

• uncontrolled outbursts
• emotionally damage
• altered sense of reality
• public failure

Who are those who are successful with the skills of confrontational behavior.

• diplomats
• leaders
• business persons

How can confrontational behaviors be utelized in a positive manner.

Before Confrontation the individual must engage in Introspection.

• why are you upset
• what do you desire
• what is the root

During confrontation the individual must maintain respect for the other party.

• time and place
• one to one
• calm
• mutual purpose
• body language

After confrontation defined actions must be put in place.

• agreement
• follow up

We tend to think of aggression as a very general concept. But, many psychologists and researchers (see Moyer, 1968) believe that aggression can be categorized, and thus addressed, by purpose.

In fact, there are 7 basic aggressive behavior subgroups.

1. The attack on prey by a predator known as predatory aggression. Rarely is this phenomena seen among humans.
2. A high level of competition between males that is intended to establish dominance is known as inter-male aggression. This is most commonly conceptualized when two rams engage in combat to establish dominance. This to can be seen reflected in human behavior.
3. Some aggression is closely associated with fleeing from danger or high stress situations.This is known as fear-induced aggression. This is another type of aggression that spans the species.
4. Another type of aggression may be identified when one dominant entity becomes frustrated and takes out that feeling on a weaker member of the group. This is known as irritable aggression. This too may be observed across the species.
5. Another form of aggression is that of a maternal figure who lashes out to protect an of spring from a real or perceived threat. This is known as maternal aggression.
6. The final form of aggression may be the only learned type. This type of aggression is demonstrated when an individual is extremely focused on obtaining some goal. It is known as instrumental aggression.

How do you counteract aggression?

You don’t. Aggression is the most basic demonstration of an inability to appropriately meet our needs for inclusion, affection and control.

Instead of counteracting how the unmet needs present, concentrate on the needs themselves.

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

Jack Welch is a business man with a speech impediment. Depending upon your source he is either the salvation of GE or a major cause of many of its shortfalls. But, regardless of who you listen to you will find one concept about the man consistently stated. Jack Welch is about the bottom line.

How is it that a faithful capitalist could so adeptly articulate one of the deepest truths in human emotional well being?

“Control your destiny, or someone else will.”

That simple statement has profound ramifications for all of us.

In fact his book (of the same title) has no less than 6 such statements that could be the cornerstone of many counseling philosophies. I’ll follow each precept with an indication of the temperament most likely to recieve the felling blow from resistance to the concept.

1. control your destiny or someone else will (the choleric nightmare syndrome)
2. face reality as it is, not as it was, or as you wish it were (melancholies avert your eyes)
3. be candid with everyone (sanguines arise)
4. don’t manage lead (the phlegmatic downfall)
5. change before you have to (supines submit)
6. if you don’t have a competitive advantage don’t compete (all temperaments)

Control Your Destiny is a book worth reading even if you are not in the business of being a CEO.

If you have read much of my work you will know I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan. It’s not that I hate the guy or anything. I just don’t feel his “get over it!” philosophy of counseling is the best choice for every situation.

But, I have to admit when it comes to putting a success strategy into words he has some really original ideas (or does he?). When I looked more deeply into the statements they began to ring some familiar bell in my subconscious. I couldn’t really put my finger on it until I was preparing a seminar for some education professionals and I decided to brush up on my Stephen Covey.

Well, you be the judge.

Dr. Phil: Have a vision. Champions get what they want because they know what they want.

Stephen Covey: Begin with the end in mind. Formulate a personal vision statement.

Probably just a coincidence, right?

Dr. Phil: Make a strategy. People who consistently win have a clear and thoughtful strategy.

Stephen Covey: Put first things first. A framework for prioritizing work to achieve long and short term goals.

Well, I mean that one was pretty obvious in the first place.

Dr. Phil: Find a passion.  Be passionately invested in both the journey and the goal.

Stephen Covey: Sharpen the saw. Seek balanced self satisfaction. Remain productive by engaging in related recreational activities.

Uhm… well I’m sure Dr. Phil will have an original thought on this next one.

Dr. Phil: Live the truth. Winners hold themselves to high realistic expectations.

Stephen Covey: Synergize. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Man. Maybe I should just “Get Over It!” and stop obsessing about this thing.

What is the difference between Behavior Consulting and Counseling? It is kind of like looking at the difference between secular and faith based counseling. In fact, there was no differentiation between secular and faith based counseling and behavioral coaching until the 1800’s. Up until that point all three fell into the pervue of the church. The clergy took on the daunting task of bringing hope, counsel and guidance to those who were in need. Medical doctors took on the physical domain and the two didn’t disparage one another.

I. Faith Based Counseling and Secular Counseling.

In the early history of the Church, the Church itself was solely responsible for the counseling of people. As society grew the perception developed that the Christian Community was no longer qualified to counsel its people. As a result, the secular community has all but taken over the responsibility of counseling and behavior modification.

II. Contrasting Faith Based and Secular Counseling

A. Secular Counselor = Agent of the State = Insurance Coverage May Apply

Precepts

1. Everyone has problems; you must learn to live with it. These strategies may help.
2. Human behavior is based on millions of years of evolution. You must continue to evolve emotionally.
3. Self is most important; as long as you do not infringe upon the self of others do what you need to be happy.
4. The problems of self can often be traced to the behaviors of others.

B. Faith Based = Agent of the Church = Fees are often a sliding scale and insurance coverage may not apply.

Precepts

1. Cast off your sins; Christ, the perfect sacrifice has paid the price.

2. God created each of us with a specific temperament. Fighteing your temperament creates disharomony in your sense of well being.

3. God is most important. True happiness is accessible through our proper duty to Him.

4. Face (confess) and accept the consequences (repent) of your actions.

III. Faith based view.

God created us with three areas of need (Inclusion, Control, and Affection) which we may meet through His service.

Inclusion

The need to initiate and maintain surface relationships.

The need to be approached by others for surface relationships.

Control

The need to be in control of relationships with others.

The need for others to control our relationships and behaviors.

Affection

The need to establish love and affection relationships with others.

The need to receive love and affection from others.

IV. The Five Temperament Types. Faith based view.

1. The Melancholy - Forever examining their own shortcomings.

2. The Choleric - Confident and task oriented.

3. The Sanguine - Extremely socially active.

4. The Supine - Quintessential servant ever placing the needs of others first.

5. The Plegmatic - Extremely deliberate perfectionist.

V. So What?

Temperament is an extremely important factor to consider when:

1. Finding compatible career.

2. Finding hobbies that bring the most satisfaction.

3. Making decisions and undertaking responsibilities.

4. Choosing your level of dependence or independence.

5. Charting our spiritual development.

6. Choosing and understanding our mate.

I’m about to share some very personal information with you. While you are reading you may find your self saying, “Careful Reg, your melancholy is showing.”

I will start off by telling you that Hospice has been called in to assist with my mother. If you don’t know about Hospice they are a health care organization that specializes in providing services to patients with “life limiting” illnesses. Hospice concentrates on quality of life rather than quantity. In fact, they have a good website which answers questions about their organization much more completely than I could (Hospice).

I appreciate the organization very much.

That being said, I must wander what series of cultural events lead to a situation when the matriarch of a family with eight children needs outside assistance from an organization like Hospice.

It seems to me that not long ago (was it so long ago?) my family existed in the form of a tribe-like clan. Generations of us lived and died in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia and wherever there was one in need many were there to provide for that need. I remember aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews and nieces in abundance. In fact, the connections were so interwoven that I could not mis-behave at elementary school without the consequence of receiving less that three scoldings or spankings before I completed my walk home at the end of the day.

And yet, now my mother needs the support of a benevolent organization.

The questions screams out to be asked, “Reg, why don’t you take care of your mother?” And the unsatisfying answer is, I am simply too far away. It is a six hour drive from my home and work to where my mother is. No less than three states must be traversed in order for me to reach her. And, sadly, in America, this seems to be the norm.

There have been profound changes in the way American families structure and maintain themselves - and sometimes deconstruct - and those changes have had a profound effect on how our elders spend their declining years. Few adults have had the luxury or good fortune of being able to find and develop gainful employment in the locality in which they grew up. We have found that as a people in order to better ourselves (or in current economic conditions) maintain our standard of living we must be willing to relocate and with relative frequency.

I will again use my own personal experiences as an example. In the small West Virgina community in which I grew up industry had long since moved on. Farming became the marker of a bygone era and drift mining gave way to less expensive strip mining which required a much smaller workforce. The population there has been in a steady decline for generations. As a result I sought out a teaching position in a community some distance away yet within the same state. After several years it became clear that the population there was ebbing and I sought out another position in Florida. After several years there the economic ebb and flow adjusted and I found myself relocating to North Carolina, and it seems I may be moving yet again very soon.

What has this microcosm of my personal experiences to do with the phenomena? Simply this, you can duplicate my experiences with nearly every professional you know. Poll the local public school to find out how many are native to the area. You will be surprised at the result.

As a result many of our parents are “cast adrift” in their time of need.

Here are my struggles. I hope sharing them may prepare you in case you ever find yourself facing this situation.

I had difficulty accepting my feelings. My mother was once a very quick mind. Alzheimer’s and Dementia have robbed her of this. The realization of this is very heavy.

I had difficulty discussing things with others. I experienced a high reluctance to ask enough questions to have a clear understanding of the situation at hand.

There were some mistakes I did not make. I never did things that would undermine my mother’s independence or sense of self confidence. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.

What are your plans for your aging parent? Or, what plans have you made to face you elder years?