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Do you know the easiest way to keep someone from hitting you?

Before I tell you, I’ll give you some of the standard suggestions and I’ll tell you why they don’t work.

• Step back- If you begin to retreat from an aggressive person it will be seen as a sign of fear and weakness and therefore an opportunity to attack.

• Take a deep breath - This will make it appear that you are stalling for time because the other person has the advantage.
• Think for a few seconds - An irate person will view this as a stalling technique.
• Use humor - Unless you are very good at this techniques the other will view you as being disrespectful.

As you can see most of the “canned” suggestions for addressing confrontational behavior are flawed in there conception. Some assume you have experience in dealing with this type of issues to the extent you can interact in a calm and dispassionate manner (a status it to me years to reach). Others assume you have large amounts of time to put strategies in place and evaluate their effectiveness before adjusting your approach. Some assume you have a prior relationship and understanding of the confrontational individual. In fact, it is rarely the case that these circumstances are present.

So, what can you do?

How can you stop a violently confrontational person from hitting you?

Are you ready?

Get you pen and pad out, you’re going to want to write this down.

Cue the drum roll and climactic music.

How do you stop a violently confrontational person from hitting you?

Ask them, “Are you going to hit me?”

It is absolutely the most disarming strategy you can employ. There is something about that simple direct question that impacts the other person like a bucket of ice water over the head.

It probably has something to do with getting the persons attention. When you are angry enough to strike another person you are so focused on the rage that everything else becomes detached from your consciousness. Something about that question has the emotional equivalent of blasting your focus through a long dark tunnel at extreme speed bursting into the blinding light of reality. It will actually cause a person to catch their breath because of the physiological impact.

Now, Grasshopper, it is time for you to go.

Welt is the German word for world. Anschauung is the German word for view.  So, weltanschauung is the German philosophy or conceptualization of a unified World View. World wide perception or outlook.

What a great way to build a framework for ideas and philosophies into one handy (if unpronounceable) term.

Check your world view on this site and share it back here.

Last week I received a letter from a very respected individual who was asking for my advice with counseling a behavior issue. At first, I was impressed. This very busy person had taken the time to write a letter on actual paper and then put it in the United States Mail. That isn’t something that usually happens. More often, I get emails or voice messages. So, before I even read the letter I decided I would go out of my way to help.

Then I started reading the letter…

Dear Lord, how could anyone send such a mess?

This was an extremely intellegent person, but he had become so unaccustomed to putting a pen to paper that his message was all but lost in the writing.

So, I thought it would be a good idea to review some of the tenets of good letter writing to make sure I was communicating clearly. Then I decided to share with you in case you were a bit rusty as well.

Here goes.

1. Use complete sentences.
2. Make the first sentence of a paragraph strong enough to stand alone.
3. Avoid profession jargon.
4. Avoid use of contractions. Use is not rather than isn’t whenever possible.
5. If you are not certain about the spelling of a word, look it up.
6. Proofread before sending the letter.
7. Stick to one style. Use professional or informal but not both.
8. Avoid anything that does not add to the message.
9. If you use quotes, list the source.
10. Avoid using statistics if at all possible.

What are your rules for clear written communication?

Anyone who has ever missed par on the golf course has heard the joke about the guy who went to the pro for advice on his golf game. After intently studying and coaching the man for a full month the pro said, “I have the solution for your poor golf game. First, take two weeks off. Then quit completely.”

Humor aside there are some really solid reasons why the next two weeks are some of the slowest on the work front. One of the most important are the positive results from taking time off.

• Frequency of annual vacations is tied in with a reduced rate of death for men with a high risk for heart disease (Psychosomatic Medicine, 2000)
• In women ages 25-75, failing to take a vacation at least once each year leads to psychological health risks (Wisconsin Medical Journal, 2005).

• depression increases as vacation breaks decrease (Marshfield Clinic in Wisconsin).

Americans don’t take vacations, and the United States spends 16% of its gross domestic product for health care issues. Yet other countries who do take vacations score better in terms of mortality, illness, and obesity.

What keeps you from taking time off?

I am in the middle of a physical move.

Regular posting should resume around August 15.

When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

As with confrontation itself, confrontational body language has be positive or negative as well.

Here are the characteristics of positive confrontational body language

• Head level
• Eye contact
• Hands down
• Palms open
• Feet shoulder width apart
• Head cocked
• Folded arms with chin touch
• Leaning in
• Head nod
• Hand dusting at the end

Here are the aspects of negative confrontational body language.

• Looking down
• Looking away
• Pacing
• Tounch mouth, nose, throat
• Clenched fists
• Tightly crossed arms
• Hands on hips
• Finger pointing
• Hands in front of chest
• Hands behind back

I’ve been working for many years in the field of behavior disorders and emotional disturbances. The aspect that most captures the attention of most people is confrontational behavior. The odd thing is, I see so much of it that I don’t notice it that much. That is bad. When you lose too much sensitivity to an issue you run the risk of being less effective in teaching better replacement behaviors.

Occasionally, I take time to review the precepts and thus reoriented myself to the key issues. As it is time for my self reflection I am sharing the exercise with you so that you may gain some insight into the issue.

Finally, I must often remind myself that confrontation in and of itself is not a maladaptive behavior.

First, what are the reasons some do not react in a confrontational manner to severe stressors?

• fear of rejection
• fear of consequences
• fear of losing control

Next, what are down fall areas of a lack of confrontation skills.

• uncontrolled outbursts
• emotionally damage
• altered sense of reality
• public failure

Who are those who are successful with the skills of confrontational behavior.

• diplomats
• leaders
• business persons

How can confrontational behaviors be utelized in a positive manner.

Before Confrontation the individual must engage in Introspection.

• why are you upset
• what do you desire
• what is the root

During confrontation the individual must maintain respect for the other party.

• time and place
• one to one
• calm
• mutual purpose
• body language

After confrontation defined actions must be put in place.

• agreement
• follow up

We tend to think of aggression as a very general concept. But, many psychologists and researchers (see Moyer, 1968) believe that aggression can be categorized, and thus addressed, by purpose.

In fact, there are 7 basic aggressive behavior subgroups.

1. The attack on prey by a predator known as predatory aggression. Rarely is this phenomena seen among humans.
2. A high level of competition between males that is intended to establish dominance is known as inter-male aggression. This is most commonly conceptualized when two rams engage in combat to establish dominance. This to can be seen reflected in human behavior.
3. Some aggression is closely associated with fleeing from danger or high stress situations.This is known as fear-induced aggression. This is another type of aggression that spans the species.
4. Another type of aggression may be identified when one dominant entity becomes frustrated and takes out that feeling on a weaker member of the group. This is known as irritable aggression. This too may be observed across the species.
5. Another form of aggression is that of a maternal figure who lashes out to protect an of spring from a real or perceived threat. This is known as maternal aggression.
6. The final form of aggression may be the only learned type. This type of aggression is demonstrated when an individual is extremely focused on obtaining some goal. It is known as instrumental aggression.

How do you counteract aggression?

You don’t. Aggression is the most basic demonstration of an inability to appropriately meet our needs for inclusion, affection and control.

Instead of counteracting how the unmet needs present, concentrate on the needs themselves.

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8