ElementalTruths.Com ©

When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

As with confrontation itself, confrontational body language has be positive or negative as well.

Here are the characteristics of positive confrontational body language

• Head level
• Eye contact
• Hands down
• Palms open
• Feet shoulder width apart
• Head cocked
• Folded arms with chin touch
• Leaning in
• Head nod
• Hand dusting at the end

Here are the aspects of negative confrontational body language.

• Looking down
• Looking away
• Pacing
• Tounch mouth, nose, throat
• Clenched fists
• Tightly crossed arms
• Hands on hips
• Finger pointing
• Hands in front of chest
• Hands behind back

I’ve been working for many years in the field of behavior disorders and emotional disturbances. The aspect that most captures the attention of most people is confrontational behavior. The odd thing is, I see so much of it that I don’t notice it that much. That is bad. When you lose too much sensitivity to an issue you run the risk of being less effective in teaching better replacement behaviors.

Occasionally, I take time to review the precepts and thus reoriented myself to the key issues. As it is time for my self reflection I am sharing the exercise with you so that you may gain some insight into the issue.

Finally, I must often remind myself that confrontation in and of itself is not a maladaptive behavior.

First, what are the reasons some do not react in a confrontational manner to severe stressors?

• fear of rejection
• fear of consequences
• fear of losing control

Next, what are down fall areas of a lack of confrontation skills.

• uncontrolled outbursts
• emotionally damage
• altered sense of reality
• public failure

Who are those who are successful with the skills of confrontational behavior.

• diplomats
• leaders
• business persons

How can confrontational behaviors be utelized in a positive manner.

Before Confrontation the individual must engage in Introspection.

• why are you upset
• what do you desire
• what is the root

During confrontation the individual must maintain respect for the other party.

• time and place
• one to one
• calm
• mutual purpose
• body language

After confrontation defined actions must be put in place.

• agreement
• follow up

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

I’ve worked on several projects that have been connected in some way to Dr. Ghungsho Zhang. Most of the work has taken the form of his identification of a trend indicated in a numerical analysis and my development of a program to enhance or accommodate for that trend. For example, Dr. Zhang unidentified an over representation of males in discipline referrals and special education referrals in North Carolina. As a result, I developed a series of trainings for teachers which explored how male and female students have natural conduct differences that cannot be addressed in the same ways.

What does that have to do with temperament and social media?

Just this, just because something can be easily measured doesn’t mean it is important. For example, it was easy to measure the cycles of the moon (sunspots, comet proximity, tides, favorite ice cream flavors, etc) when incidents of misbehavior occur but that doesn’t mean the two are connected in any real way.

Again, so what?

That brings us to the numbers of Social Media. It is easy to measure (or at least estimate) the number of users of social media but without knowing the underlying temperament of those measured we will not understand the nature of their use of the medium.

Here are some of the numbers based on a study conducted by Raplief .

Bebo 5,806,867 members
” Bebo is a social media network where friends share their lives and explore great entertainment.”

Blackplanet 1,201,687 members
” BlackPlanet.com is your place to meet and connect with African Americans around the country.”

Classmates 3,051,761 members
“Find a friend or high school alumni from more than 40 million members in over 200000 affiliations at Classmates.com.”

Facebook 5,920,236 members
“An online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges.”

Flickr 2,068,097 members
“Flickr is almost certainly the best online photo management and sharing application in the world.”

Flixter 17,647,399 members
” Flixster is a community for movie fans of all shapes and sizes.”

Friendster 5,260,380 members
“Friendster is focused on helping people stay in touch with friends and discover new people and things that are important to them.”

Hi5 14,679,615 members
“hi5 helps its members stay connected with friends, family and others that are important to them in a simple, fun and safe online environment.”

LinkedIn 841,209 members
“Our mission is to help you be more effective in your daily work and open doors to opportunities using the professional relationships you already have.”

Multiply 1,354,647 members
“Multiply gives you an easy way to share all kinds of digital media, including photos, blogs, videos, music and more, all in one convenient place: your own personal web site.”

MySpace 31,845,954 members
“Create a community on MySpace and you can share photos, journals and interests with your growing network of mutual friends!”

MyYearbook 2,449,251 members
Offers quizzes and a weblog section, as well as videos and free content from CliffsNotes.”

Perfspot 1,159,539 members
“Secure your personal privacy. Find old friends. Have unlimited uploads and much more. For more information, visit us online”

Ringo 9,770,151 members
“Photo and Video Sharing Made Easy”  As you can see Social Media evolves and devolves FAST! Between the time I drafted this article in June and July 6 Ringo went off-line.

Tickle 6,481,601 members
“Tickle is the leading interpersonal media company, providing self-discovery, and social networking services to more than 17 million active members in its community worldwide.”

In each provider the lion’s share of the users are between the ages of 17 and 35. With the major exception being LinkedIn which has is greatest percentage (nearly 25%) of members in the 35-44 year old age bracket.

Still, so what? If you don’t know how these people are using social media to help meet their needs for control, inclusion and affection you really don’t know what is going on here.

Tori Deaux and I are going to try and use this series of articles to explore that concept.

Original article in the series.

flikr image

Social Media is a current hot topic just about everywhere. People are scrambling to “join the conversations” on the various services, but also finding themselves frustrated (see Tori’s article “Why I suck at social media…” )

One aspect of that widespread frustration can be explained through personality temperaments (for an overview, check out this interactive graphic from MindTweaks, or this text overview here on Elemental Truths)

Each temperament and combination of has a different approach to technology, different needs when it comes to socialization.

Extroverts are happy to seek out new friends and contacts, while introverts are more hesitant, preferring to just observe, or to let others come to them.Some temperaments are quick to embrace change, while others prefer more familiar, consistent, and proven technologies. Privacy is also a personality driven issue, as some temperaments need to feel safe and protected, in order to participate in a social environment, while others would be happy with their own posse of cyber paparazzi. Also important is the level of control people have over their use of the service, including visibility, profiles, spam, and so on. We all use the services for different reasons, too - many of them related to temperaments: find customers, build a network of new friends, stay in touch with existing friends, share and inspire creativity, get and provide answers to questions, or just be generally social with strangers.

The frustration appears because most of the latest, greatest social technologies only address the needs of *some* of the temperament types, and make others distinctly uncomfortable, or even anxious. So being successful at social media means knowing which services are best suited to our individual personality, and how to participate comfortably even on services that aren’t well suited to our specific temperaments - otherwise, we run the risk of losing touch with our existing social circles made up of a variety of personalities, and winding up only with friends and contacts in a limited range of temperament - which is not a good thing. The best and most effective social groups (for any purpose) are made up of a variety of personality types.

It’s worth noting that while the older forms of social media (message boards, chat rooms, and instant messaging services) didn’t provide the networking or portability benefits of Web2.0 applications like Facebook, Twitter and Flickr, they did better provide a comfortable space for *all* of the personality types. Hopefully the new services will resolve the conflicts in time - meanwhile, we’ll have to find our own solutions.

So over the next week Reg and I will be exploring the topic of temperament and social media, considering the pros and cons of each service for each personality, from Supine to Melancholy, as well as offering advice on how the various personalities can best use the services for our advantage. We’ll be posting a series of interlinked articles addressing the issue on MindTweaks and Elemental Truths, but you’ll also be able to come back here, and find a listing of all of the links.

We’re hoping the result will be fun, useful, creative, productive, and reduce frustration levels. And *that* should cover just about all of the personality types!

This is a checklist I (Reg) came up with that will give you a fair overview of what YOUR TEMPERAMENT might be.

Other articles in this series.

• Temperaments and Social Media - ET
• Interactive Temperament Graphic -MT
• Social Media and The 5 Temperaments - MT
• In Social Media Measurable Doesn’t Equal Important - ET
• Supines and Social Media - ET
• Surviving Social Media:The Supine Struggle - MT
• Sanguines and Social Media - ET
• The Social Butterfly Meets Social Technology: The Challenges for Sanguines - MT
• Melancholies and Social Media - ET
• In Search of Intimacy: The Melancholy and Social Media - MT
• Phlegmatics and Social Media - ET
• Qietly Participatory: The Phlegmatic and Social Media - MT
• Cholerics and Social Media - ET
• Control and Conquer!: The Choleric and Social Media - MT

Open Source social media platforms we won’t address in depth (in no particular order). By the way, open source just means that you can read the programming code, change the code, modify the code and redistribute the code, usually free of charge.

• spree
• iSocial
• Mahara
• Yogurt
• VMukti
• The PeopleAggregator
• Appleseed
• Mugshot Project
• GetBoo
• Akarru
• Scuttle
• SemanticScuttle
• AROUNDMe
• Clonesumating
• BeWelcome Rox
• ICEcore
• Memephage
• InteractOLE
• Elgg
• CommunityNews
• OpenPNE
• MonkeyChow
• NewsCloud
• Feed Me Links
• WorldSpace
• Social Networking POC
• Zoints
• earth-life-simulation
• PHPizabi
• OzcodeOzcode
• TallStreet
• Jamss
• Dolphin
• Ospo
• AstroSPACES
• FlightFeather
• SNOSS
• OpenSocialNetwork
• S3B
• Facelift

On May 12th the Wall Street Journal (of all people) wrote a great article about what the wealthy should pass along to their children other than money. They make a great list of the top ten of Peter White’s Elements of Care. Here are those ten items.

1. Necessaries — food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, basic education.

2. Affection — This involves “the great big person who takes care of me opening him or herself to me, making him or herself vulnerable and human in a way, connecting with me physically and in spirit, and thus affirms my significance as a person.”

3. Affirmation and Support — This is basically about expressing sincere belief in the child: “You want to be a cheerleader – or a doctor or an astronaut – and you can do it!”

4. Boundaries — Peter says that “we are living in an age where the lack of boundaries for children is epidemic. Boundaries, of course, reflect a closing value – that certain, reasonably well-defined behaviors are unacceptable, and that when these behaviors occur, unpleasant consequences will result.”

5. Guidance — “Telling and showing children how to cope, how to deal, how to create, how to succeed. Guidance involves how-to techniques such as how to do the dishes or drive a car but at essence guidance is about beliefs — belief in the sense of action motivated and circumscribed by values held by the parents. In the wealth context, guidance on budgeting is essential, and guidance on philanthropy, which may come from participating in family philanthropy together as a group, are good examples. Parents of wealthy kids are worried about passing their values to their children, but they needn’t worry about that if they are present to them, in quality and non-quality times.”

6. Respect — “This is really about listening. It is respectful to listen seriously to what the other person is saying seriously and to empathize with what the other is feeling genuinely.”

7. Trust — This means “relying on the other to act responsibly,” and to allow someone the opportunity to do the wrong thing.

8. Forgiveness — This is not about the glib “I forgive you.” “Forgiveness does not erase the hurt; by definition, it feels the hurt but decides to carry on the relationship despite the hurt.”

9. Religion or Spirituality — “My experience over the last 20 years tells me that children raised in an environment of religion tend to be more in touch with themselves than those who are not. When I use the word religion, I am not referring only to the organized religions — though I am not excluding them either — but I am speaking about an aspiration to higher and enduring truth.”

10. Letting Go — This is the most difficult and along with Necessaries and Affection, the most important. We must say to our kids, ‘I’ve done the lion’s share of the motherly or fatherly work, and I’m here and will be here for you as long as I can be; but the responsibility for you is now yours.’ ”

I don’t know who Peter White is but I’d say he has nailed the issue for all parents, not just the wealthy. Other than changing the order of listing to reflect personal feelings (you know me Number 9 would have to move up several notches), I probably wouldn’t change this list much at all.
What do you think?

Over the years I’ve answered a lot of questions about the essence of temperament analysis and how it can be used as a counseling technique to help people. But, it seems I answer the same basic questions over and over.

So, inspired by a brilliant little book titled Fish! by Stephen Cundin, Harry Paul, and John Christensen, I’ve written this little parable which tells the fictitious story of the Big Bad Wolf, who after scores of poor choices and years of misbehavior was pressed into counseling to find a way to address his maladaptive, antisocial behaviors.

The story opens as the Big Bad Wolf arrives for his first day of required counseling.

Dr. Adkins: Hello Mr. Big Bad Wolf. How are you today?

BBW: I’m okay, I guess.

Dr. Adkins: Good. Do you prefer Mr. Wolf, or Big Bad perhaps?

BBW: BB is fine.

Dr. Adkins:Alright, BB it is then. I see here that you are here for required temperament counseling. Can you tell me about that?

BBW: Yeah. I had to come here. Supposedly, I have some “issues” I’m supposed to work on. Say, just what is this temperament analysis stuff anyway and how can it help me?

Dr. Adkins: Temperament analysis is a counseling method designed to help you find appropriate ways to meet your underlying needs for affection, inclusion and control in acceptable ways that don’t infringe upon the rights and needs of others.

BBW:Oh great. Another touchy, feely “talk therapy” jockey who wants me to tell them how upset I am because my mommy didn’t hold me enough for endless months on end. This is sure to be useful. What do you know about me anyway? How many more minutes until we’re done?

Dr. Adkins:BB, your attempts to maneuver me into avoiding issues aren’t going to to be successful. I understand that you may be feeling distrustful and suspicious. You may even doubt my qualifications. Let me put one of your concerns to rest. My credentials are clearly displayed and you are welcome to examine each of them at your leisure.

I don’t feel compelled to explain myself. Remember, you came to me. On the other hand, I do want you to be at ease. So, I will discuss some of your concerns.

This is not talk therapy. Talk therapy can last for months or years. This is temperament analysis. The model is designed around a five session plan. If I can’t help you in five sessions, I probably can’t help you. Further, I’m not overly concerned about how much you were or were not held as a youth. Although, your desire to express and receive affection is definitely an element of your temperament and we will look into. I’m more interested in helping you find ways to meet your needs now in a positive way. In addition, as you say I don’t know you very well, we will be utilizing this temperament analysis tool to help us identify your basic needs for affection, inclusion and control.

Now, if your interested in finding the way to a better life, complete this temperament analysis and the intake forms and let’s get moving on this. Or, continue your downward spiral until you’re ordered to another counselor. The choice is yours.

……………………………………………………………………………..

After some reflection and examination of his options BB decided to go ahead and commit to the 5 sessions. He figured it would get the heat off his back and, truth be told, he was kind of intrigued about this concept that everyone has the same needs for control, affection and inclusion but they are expressed at different levels.

BB completed the intake forms and the Temperament Analysis and we set the appointment for his first counseling session.

In the next installment we will explore the results of BB temperament analysis and commence the scheduled prescription of sessions.

Adding Elemental Truths to your blog reader will insure you don’t miss the upcoming installments.

As I was surfing (a term I don’t love by the way. Can’t someone come up with a more descriptive term? Maybe ”mining for value,” “Seeking for Truth,” “Prospecting for Positivity.” Something that indicates the true nature of what seeking on the Internet truly is rather than such a passive couch potato image. Wow! That got off topic) I found a link link to a wonderful site called Best Wellness Consultant on a comment form someone with the moniker Mother Earth. I followed the link and found the site of Karen Hanrahan, a nutritional consultant who was celebrating 13 years of business success!

I was so impressed with the flow of her writing that I posted a comment to her site telling her how absolutely blown away by her work I was and humbly (I hope) asking her if she spare the time to drop by Elemental Truths and give me her perspective on how I could enhance my value as a behavior consultant.

She graciously accepted my request and provided me with some invaluable feedback. One of her observations was candid enough to point out the elephant standing in the middle of my room.

1. HOW CAN I EXPECT TO GROW MY SERVICES AS A BEHAVIORAL CONSULTANT IF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT A BEHAVIORAL CONSULTANT IS???!!!!

2. ISN’T ELEMENTAL TRUTHS PREDOMINANTLY ABOUT THINGS I HAVE A PERSONAL INTEREST?

3. WHY DON’T I NOTE THE SOURCES FOR MY DATA?

Aaaaaarghhh…………the light……it burnnnnss!

She abosolutely nailed me dead to rights.

1. I cannot expand my services beyond my present level if it isn’t clear what a behavioral consultant does and how I can help others.

A behavior consultant works with teachers, parents,  school systems, businesses and private clients to provide insight into the nature of human behaviors. Why we may struggle with situations that require us to process information and emotion in ways that are not comfortable for us, and the mal-adaptive behaviors that may develop as a result. The issues around the negativity that can develop when we seek to meet our needs for inclusion, affection and control in inappropriate ways. A behavioral consultant is neither a psychologist nor a minister but may capitalize on the strength of both of these in aiding a client.

2. Elemental Truths, at first blush to the new visitor does look like it is about my personal interests rather than a service tool.

Because of my failure to adequately introduce each topic in relation to how it is incorporated into behavior motivation, assessment and adjustment many of my articles seem disconnect and without a central theme. This is an editing issue I plan to begin to address right away, in fact with this very article.

3. Because I’ve gotten lazy in linking to research sources it doesn’t look like I have data to support everything I write about.

This is yet another short-falling that is whole due to my egocentric assumption that everyone who happens upon this site has followed it long enough to see how everything is interconnected (or should be). This is also an issue I plan to begin addressing right away with appropriate citation and links.

Karen Hanrahan has done me a great service in her frank, yet perfectly cordial input. I am placing her site among those I read daily and strongly urge you to do the same.

Is the “Golden Rule” really golden?

Should you really do onto others as you would have others do onto you?

Many of the major religions of the world endorse some form of this moral and ethical yardstick. These are all versions of the ethics of reciprocity.

Bahai - “ascribe not to any soul that which you would not have ascribed to thee.”

Brahmanism - “do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you.”

Hinduism - “do not due onto others what would cause pain if done unto you.”

Shinto - “the heart of the person before you is a mirror. See there your own form.”

Taoism - “regard your neighbors gain as your own gain and your neighbors loss as your loss.”

But, does this “golden rule” prescribe the best application for everyone?

I find that I have, on occasion, mistakenly accepted this as true.

I have a strong need for control and order in my life. I need a disciplined approach to many of the tasks I undertake. When counseling others, I take a near formulaic approach to conducting the data and functional behavior assessments I rely on to offer suggestions and nudges.

I therefore have made the mistake of encouraging some individuals to take on more control than they are comfortable with. Not everyone has the same needs to exert control, or even the same tolerance to accept being controlled or directed.

Therefor, you should not always do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If I am the other, I may not have the same need to exert and accept control in my life as you. I may not have the same desire for the level of affection I am comfortable receiving or expressing. I may not be comfortable with the same degree of inclusion in the lives of others or as accepting of their inclusion in my life as you.

Perhaps, the rule should say ‘do onto others as they would have you do unto them.’

Is the golden rule golden or is is iron pyrite?