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As if there are not already too may groups focused on Social Media Success inspired by a collaboration with Tori Deaux, I’ve added another one. Tori and I had been footballing the concept of how persons of each specific temperament could benefit from the framework of social media for some time. Just now we are working up some drafts on how each temperament might best use thess tools.

What is already written?

The number of articles and blog entries on Social Media Success is astromomical . I made a Google  search on the topic and returned no less than 8.8 million results. Groups and articals are popping up like mushrooms.

So why would I create yet another social media group?

I would really like a simple way to connect with social media practitioners with an interest in temperament and how it relates to life success and personal interactions. What did I do about it?

I created a group on Linkedin and if you are already a Linkedin member it’s real easy to join at this link.

Who will operate the group?

If you want to help manage the group please let me know (post a comment). I don’t really want to “own” the group. 
 

What networking opportunities are ready?

At this point the group web page just points back to this blog but I will create a page for the group soon that aggregates news and information on the topic.

To set you mind at ease here are some hot tips from the Linkedin group FAQs:

Once you join your group on LinkedIn, your profile becomes visible to all fellow members. However, they will not be able to see your network of connections unless you are personally connected to them.

Each member of a group decides how fellow group members can contact him/her.

Can I get spammed? No. LinkedIn Groups is designed specifically for the individual and not as a groupwide communications tool. Therefore, there is no way for an individual user to send broadcast messages to all members of the group.

flickr home office

The tools on your workspace should contribute to how well you do you tasks and not the the clutter. Finding the right balance between what consitutes a tool and what qualifies as clutter is a razor edge issue. Here are some tips for creating a productively organized work area.

As more and more of us are spending at least a portion of our time working from home several work from home related problems have arisen. One of the most prevalent of those is stress from feeling overwhelmed.

However, the overwhelm experienced at home isn’t quite the same as that experienced at the office. At the office the sense or overwhelm seems to come from ever increasing demands for productivity, growth and out put. The overwhelm at the home office seems to be more connected with the physical environment. At the home office the biggest issue seems to be that things are literally, piling up on you.

Frustration begins because we don’t know how to even start getting organized. A desk drawer becomes a junk drawer. A garage becomes a salvage yard.

But, Sanada McHehee owner of Organizing by Sanada has develop an excellent system called O.R.G.A.N.I.Z.E. that purports to streamlined and strack in eight simple steps. Sanada looks to be a great coach. Here is her plan.

1. Overview.
Identify the reasons for the clutter. Are you continuing the pack rat pattern of your parents? Are you holding on to long past memory artifacts? Do you buy too much? Are you simply existing in quarters that are too small?

2. Remove.
Start with one drawer and eliminate every thing in it you don’t absolutely have to have.

3. Group.
Sort similar items together. Summer clothes go together. Outside items go together.

4. Arrange.
Place each group of like items in an appropriate storage container. Remember under the bed and stackable bin resources.

5. Name.
Label and DATE everything. If you haven’t used it in 6-8 months, get rid of it.

6. Innovate.
Calendar all your important dates. Build a to do list for the next day each night. Keep it simple.

7. Zone.
Create work zones for the areas of your home where you do the most work. A file cabinet next to your computer. A book shelf in your office closet. A cork board on your wall.

8. Enjoy!
Enjoy your new streamlining. You work hard so, you should reward yourself for finding ways to work smarter.

Elemental Value Added Truth: The first step to overcoming frustration is to take action; any action.

Image from FlickrI have been told that my writing has tinges of Samuel Clemens, Grandpa Jones with a little Wilfred Brimley stirred in for good measure. Well, that is no put on. Regardless of the BA, MA and Doctorate I am country in my heart.

So, I must admit, when I write about leadership, character, problems solving and the like it is from the old style pragmatist point of view.

When you grow up, literally, on the wrong side of the railroad track on twelve pole creek in Wayne County, West Virginia you don’t ever out grow that country boy, root for the underdog, heritage.

A good friend of mine sent me along a good break down of the make up of a boy like me who grew up in the sixties not sure we should be in Viet Nam, yet with several brothers “in country” throughout the war.

I remember things a little something like this:

• It took 5 minutes for the television to “warm up” once you turned it on.
• Almost everyones mom was there when we got home from school.
• The only “pure-bred” dogs were Blue-ticks.
• A quarter was worth looking for in the couch cushions.
• My moms nylons came in two pieces.
• All my female teachers wore heals and had their hair done.
• Laundry detergent had a prize in the box like cracker jacks (towel, glass, something)
• If the family went out to a restaurant for dinner it was a treat we talked about for weeks.
• If kids got failing grades, they failed the grade and repeated it.
• Dad kept the car keys in the ignition and didn’t lock the doors because somebody might need the car.
• Watching the clouds pass overhead in the summer time was an acceptable pastime for friends.
• We played ball without the need for adults to be around to enforce the rules.
• If we got sent to the principals office, we got two whippings on the way home from neighbors.
• Candy cigarettes
• Coke bottle shaped wax koolaid bottles.
• Soda machines that dispensed 8 ounce glass bottles.
• Milk delivered to the door in glass bottles.
• Converse Allstars with the rag tops.
• Metal ice-cube trays with levers.
• “Ditto” paper.
• Racial intolerance was boys who didn’t like to run.

What foundational issues did you build your temperament upon?

Elemental Value Added Truth: It is good to remember a time when the worst thing you could catch from someone of the opposite sex was “cooties.”

Sisyphus Flikr Creative Commons

I do what I can to offer the best aspects of understanding and capitalizing on an awareness of your temperament and mine. There is much to be gained by finding God pleasing ways to meet our underlying needs of Control, Affection and Inclusion. But, that is not the only reason I write from this perspective. I also feel it is important for each of us to examine the dark places of our souls to be aware of the ill we are all capable of doing when we don’t learn from and understand the maladaptive issues than can develop when we meet our elemental needs in selfish ways.

The adage says, “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” I offer an alternative view. Power is like electricity, it may be used to illuminate or electrocute. The power itself is neither good nor evil.

Consider now, how Control, Affection and Inclusion can also lead to evil.

Oppression, which many consider to be the ultimate expression of control, cannot exist without the cooperation (conscious or unconscious) of the members of society. This inclusion envelops not only the beneficiaries but the oppressed as well. Furthermore, the success or failure of oppression relies on these 5 simple precepts, all of which hold their basis in the three core needs of Affection, Control and Inclusion.

1. Situational Amnesia
The oppressed must choose to forget current and historical injustices. This is an abdication of control.

The beneficiaries must never acknowledge benefiting from current and previous injustices carried out to the detriment of the other group.

2. Deluded Reality
The oppressed must never speak of the negative experiences.
The beneficiaries must pretend that oppression is a concept of the distant past. An aversion to the possibility of being excluded for expressing truth (Inclusion).

3. Apathy
The oppressed must de-value their feelings concerning the issue as a whole and internalize the difficulties as individual shortfalls and flaws of character. A basic absence of expression of Affection.

The beneficiaries must insist upon a rational detachment and never empathize with the oppressed as human feelings of guilt and shame must be avoided at all costs.

4. Aphasia
The oppressed must not speak or talk about their circumstances for fear of being aggressive or overly sensitive.
The beneficiaries must stand mute to avoid social pressure and the loss of privilege and ostracizing. An expression of a fear of control and inclusion.

5. Covert Sovereignty
The oppressed must seek to be more and more like the dominant group, choosing to disparage and disdain more and more of their own collective identity.

The beneficiaries must ever act upon their unacknowledged sense of privilege, simultaneously behaving as though it does not exist. Known as compulsive tendencies of control.

Of course, if all of us offer a few well timed nudges and observations of directionality concerning oppressive behavior the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.

Elemental Value Added Truth: “Find out what people will submit to, and you have found the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them.” Frederick Douglas.

A few days ago I ran an article that asked us all to look at how we react to visual imperfections. I was puzzled because marketing experts go to great lengths to show us the “perfect” image when presenting their products. But, we seem to take greater notice of that which is less than the ideal. Has perfect become so expected in marketing that most temperaments consider it passe?

I decided to do a bit of market analysis myself. I sent out a call to some of the beast and brightest folks I know who span the spectrum of temperaments. I asked for the thoughts of folks who are high in the choleric range and those that are very sanguine as well as a generous contribution of supines, melancholies, and phlegmatics. What I got was some really fascinating and insightful observations.

I would like to share some of these reactions these reactions with you here ( in no particular order).

Bert Webb of Open Loops offer the following interpretation.

Dirty? No, not just dirty, but the negative, the nasty, the bloody, the messy — for most of us, anyway. We pass the same patch of flowers each day and hardly notice them, yet slowdown to look at an accident that occurred right in the middle of them. The entire evening news program is filled with negatively slanted stories — murder, robbery, annexation arguments — and editors/directors save one positive story with which to end the broadcast (remember “If it bleeds, it leads”?). Teachers have hundreds and thousands of students during the course of their career, but when tasked to remember them, the challenging ones rise to the forefront of our minds and we struggle to remember the good ones.

I don’t think it’s because we’re hard-wired for it. There are many people who still have that optimistic outlook, avoid the negatives in their lives and concentrate on looking at the good in every situation. They are proactive in keeping the negative out of their lives. I think the rest of us have been trained to be negative, trained by our parents, our peers, our environment and our media. When we are forced to see and hear the negative throughout most of our day, our brains then begin to filter for it. This, unfortunately, is a learned behavior.

The ever creative Tori Deaux of MindTweaks opines..

I’d say we’re hardwired to notice things that are out of place, not quite right, not as they should be, and yes, dirt. It’s keyed into survival - in less privileged times, out-of-placeness can be cues to both food sources and dangers. I also remember reading some research last year about how the brain is wired to be repelled by contamination - and that intellect doesn’t over rule that wiring. Grocery stores cannot put toilet paper in the same aisle as canned goods, because the brain marks the toilet paper as a source of contamination, and therefore, food that’s close to it is “contaminated” too. Knowing that the TP is clean, and the food is sealed, doesn’t over rule the ewww factor. It’s more primal than that.

So.. as a mind tweaker… I’d say we notice dirty things because we’re hardwired to do so. What we do with the info depends on a lot of less solid sorting factors. Or something like that. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta.

(BTW… I agree with Mother Earth.. Leave the car dirty, wash the child’s face, and I’d add in… tell him its rude to stare!)

Karen Hanrahan (aka Mother Earth) of Best Wellness Consultant offers…

my very maternal side would definitely want to wash that lovely childs face, is that caring or is it perfection - I believe the child’s view would be hey I”m fine the way I am

for me it’s my desire to care for

i had a dirty phase in my life where I tried to get as filthy as I possible could — just because it seemed fun

parallel to being sort of grungy in HS - I did that too

hmmm what does that say about my temperment

mother earthy ??

the dirty vehicle? Wastes water to wash it - let it sit in the rain instead! Gave up on that one a long time ago!

Ted Demopoulos of Blogging for Business, our ever insightful lens into the business world offers the following interpretation.

Well, part of it is that we notice different. For example a clean kid among a group of dirty ones would stand out too.

I think it’s more than just that, but that’s a big part. We been taught that clean is good, e.g. “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”

As a side note, my wife is out of commission, recovering from an operation for 6-8 week and I’m Mr Dad.

Kids are dirty than ever But their hygiene is probably improved. Stains on clothes? Who cares. Eating or snacking? Wash hands.

Finally, the Relationship Geek of Make it Great! Phil Gerbyshak provides the following interpretation.

Very interesting to think about Reg. Looking at the van, my first thought is “Dang, who owns this dirtball?” My second thought was, “That’s cute. Someone took the time to write Wash Me but didn’t take the time to actually wash the van. Nice.”

I don’t know if it’s because of, or in spite of, the imperfections, that I’m drawn to these pictures. They definitely do help the mind wander, and wonder, what’s going on.

Those were the reaction I was able to gather from some of the most insightful folks I know.

If you don’t see your interpretation here, I love to add it to the feature. So comment and let’s see if we can add your insight as well.

Psychologist (and advertisers) have studied the impact of color on human behavior for many years. Although most research fails to identify a universal psychological reaction to a particular color, there are general commonalities and even a field of color psychologists which refer to themselves as color consultants.

In any case, the following are the basic connotations associated with specific colors.

Gray
elegance, humility, respect, reverence, stability, subtlety, wisdom, neutrality, formality,innocence, peace, cleanliness, simplicity, coldness, clinicism

Black
power, sophistication, formality, mystery, style, fear, anger, anonymity

Red
passion, strength, energy, fire, passion, speed, heat

Blue
unity, harmony, calmness, tranquility

Green
nature, spring, fertility, youth, environment, vigor, generosity

Yellow
joy, happiness, idealism, optimism, wealth, hope

Purple
sensuality, spirituality, creativity, ceremony, royalty, arrogance

Orange
energy, balance, playfulness, aggression, arrogance, gaudiness

Brown
calm, rusticism, stability, tradition,

Pink
gratitude, admiration, appreciation, sympathy, femininity

This is only a quick look at the general responses to color based on research and word association studies. How well do your reactions match these norms?

Elemental Value Added Truth: “Mere colour, unspoiled by meaning, and unallied with definite form, can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways.” - Oscar Wilde

Why are men who have achieved wealth, power and influence not satisfied? Time and again these men are reported to have strayed and betrayed their marital vows of fidelity.

Why is that?

Modern history of western civilization aside people are naturally polygamous. In fact, in some cultures and faiths it is still a hotly contested debate as to whether people have the right to adopt and follow a lifestyle in which a man may legally be married to more than one woman at time. The general consensus is that this practice only exists in a culture in which women are subjugated and dominated by men. Judeo-Christian traditions which have been widely adopted across the world due to the growth of that faith, maintain that monogamy is the only natural form of marriage.

This is somewhat counter-intuitive based on some of the following biblical resources.

Old Testament:

• Exodus 21:10
• 2 Samuel 5:13
• 1 Chronicles 3:1-9, 14:3
• 1 Kings 11:3
• 2 Chronicles 11:21
• Deuteronomy 21:15

New Testament:

• Matthew 19:1-12
• Matthew 22:23-32

But, nowhere in the bible is adultery condoned.

So, back to the question “why do powerful men cheat?”

One of the reason is that we, as a society, make an intuitive leap that may assume facts not in evidence. We may assume that because this man has achieved wealth, power and influence in his professional life that he enjoys the same status in his marital sex life. When the reality of the fact is, women say no to men about sex all the time. Men have had to go out and climb corporate ladders and navigate the landmines of civil and political service, paint masterpieces, break new scientific ground, rock the night away and develop software and technological empires so that women will have sex with them. Men have built and destroyed entire civilizations in order to win the favors of women, so that they might say yes. But, the fact remains even after the wooing women often say no.

Another reason is the construct known as the mid-life crisis. However, the reality is that men may not cheat because they are having a midlife crisis themselves but in fact, it could be because their wife is. Psychologically a man views the onset of his wife’s menopause as the end of his opportunity to successful reproduce. As a result he begins to renew his need to attract younger, still fertile women.

Therefore, a middle aged man married to a young woman would probably not experience a mid-life crisis. On the other hand an Ashton Crutcher married to a Demi Moore may be just as likely to stray from his vows of fidelity as a 50 year old man married to a 50 year old woman.

Additionally, men who have achieved wealth, power and influence are by and large natural risk takers. These are the individuals whose very nature drives them to push to the edge and sometimes beyond. Even presidents have commonly been known to have lovers, concubines and even female slaves with whom they explored their sexual appetites. Until recent centuries this has been an understood phenomenon which was possibly even acceptable by the wife as long as clear and defined legitimacy of heir-ship was maintained.

However, as stated in the previous post, just because something comes naturally doesn’t make it right. Baser impulses must be controlled and resisted. I’ve studied mixed martial arts for years. I have no doubt that I could seriously injure or kill many of the individuals I come in contact with who annoy, disagree with or displease me in some way. But, I don’t. I choose to deny my instincts and behave in a more civilized manner which bring delayed but greater gratification and satisfaction.

In the next installment I will explore some of the behaviors and characteristics of the spouses of those who choose not to cheat.

It is not uncommon that when a man of substantial influence is exposed for engaging in an extramarital affair that the world looks on in great fascination to see what his wife will do.

Often the wife stays with the husband. But, why?

First, lets take a look at cheating male mates and why their wives selected them in the first place.

Men of wealth, power and influence often marry women whose families also have wealth, power and influence. But, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes men of this type marry very beautiful women who are attracted to his wealth, power and influence.

That is not to say that these women are “gold diggers.” Rather, it is only natural that a women would seek to marry with the most desirable male and those are very desirable characteristics.

However, the very characteristics that aid a man in acquiring the attractive features of wealth, power and influence are by nature risk taking tendencies. And an extramarital affair is an extremely risky venture.

In fact, this is a very natural male urge. It is also a very natural urge that I kill you, take what you have, and add it to what I have. Just because something is natural doesn’t make it right.

If we leave out the inexplicable nature of love, we can look at some of the reasons why women choose to stay when their husband has demonstrated his infidelity.

• It is inconvenient to go through the difficulty of the dissolution of a relationship.
• It is financially a hardship or undesirable (even half of 3 million dollars is not as attractive as all of 3 million dollars).
• Many women are unwilling to undergo a major lifestyle change.
• The stability of the relationship for the sake of the children is often a deciding factor.
• Many women experience low self-esteem when their mate chooses to be unfaithful and they doubt their ability to attract another mate.
• The timing in their life may not be conducive to ending a long term relationship.
• They may hold out an underlying belief that they can rehabilitate or change their unfaithful spouse.
• For many women the fear of being alone out-ways the the infidelity.
• Many women work in career circumstances in which the dissolution of a marriage is viewed as a sign of instability.
• Many women believe the situation can be resolved with the help of a pastoral, family or marriage counselor.
• Many women have deeply seated belief in the concept of loyalty.
• The structure of many religious and faith institutions disapprove of the dissolution of marriage.

Tomorrow we’ll take a closer look at why men of influence and power cheat.

This is the final installement in the temperament counselling program for Javelina and the Big Bad Wolf. If you would like to read the series in order in its entirety, here are the links to the first seven segments.

Javelina registered for a women’s retreat weekend. She made additional plans to add the subsequent Monday to her retreat in order to have some private time to think through the issues of her marriage with BBW. When she told him of her plans he became very angry. He told her that the arrangements were not convenient. He said that it was unfair of her to leave him to take care of the children for an entire weekend plus a Monday. She finally told him that if he didn’t allow her this time she was filing divorce papers. As this played on one of his deepest fears he backed down.

BBW came to a session while Javelina was away at the retreat. As soon as the session began he initiated a passionate monologue about the unjust way that she took this time away from the family. He did not understand why she needed to go to a retreat with other women to work our THEIR marital issues. He felt put upon in that he was left to care for the children while she was off “having fun with her girlfriends.” This tirade went on for a good quarter hour.

At this point I broke in and stopped him. I helped him explore what the underlying issue of the problem was. We focused, not on the issue, but upon his reaction to it. As I read back his dialogue to him, he gradually became aware that nearly every sentence began with “I” and went on to communicate his needs. In nearly every instance the issues were about him and not about Javelina.

He then confessed that the last time she went away to think, she left him for a year. The issue then became very apparent. His anxiety was not about Javelina attending the women’s marriage retreat is was about his fear of being deserted.

I asked him about this fear directly.

He was quiet for some few minutes.

Finally, he responded “Maybe” and began his huffing puffing stream of words again.

I stopped him and asked again, “Is it fear?”

After another few quiet minutes he replied he’d never thought about it that way but yes, he thought it was. He became very vulnerable and I told him that THIS not the filibustering was the kind of communication Javelina was looking for. It was as if a light went on in his brain. I began to coach him on how to reach this type of communication with Javelina and that he could call her and explain to her that he feared she might not return to him after this time away.

He called her at the retreat and they spoke for nearly an hour. She came home from the retreat beaming. She confided that this was perhaps the first time they had conversation that were exercises in growth rather than demolition.

After this final session BBW underwent a dramatic life change. He began to share with Javelina his true underlying feelings. At first she was stunned. She couldn’t believe his transformation. She began to look forward to being at home again rather than postponing it with work. Their relationship has moved from predatory to symbiotic.

As a supine in inclusion BBW had a great inherent underlying capacity for serving others. Once we were able to overcome his learned perception the serving was unmanly he was able to build tremendous bonds with his wife through this strength.

As a phlegmatic melancholy in control BBW had a need for personal space and clearly defined tasks. Once Javelina understood that spontaneous change and blurred roles were creating situations in which BBW lashed out cruelly in a verbal manner she was able to bring changes to him in a more structured and comfortable manner.

As a phlegmatic sanguine in affection BBW was unable to express himself the overt signs of affection he actually desired to receive. Counseling helped him to understand that in order to receive the affection he wanted he needed to express the affection that Javelina wanted. Which, because she was a phlegmatic supine was not difficult to demonstrate by doing small things for her that she naturally perceived as affection signs.

Over the next few weeks the situation between Javelina and BBW grew steadily worse. Javelina became ever more frustrated with BBW’s controlling mannerisms. Know that she understood the needs of his temperament were to protect himself from potential injury rather than an underlying need for control she began to be resentful that he did not grant her the trust she felt she had earned.

BBW, on the other hand, was near panic. His controlling behaviors had been exposed for what they were, mechanisms of manipulation. He now had to make major adjustments in how he treated others and it was not a change he was completely prepared for.

Javelina finally expressed that she felt the situation was hopeless. She was beginning to feel that it was time to end the marriage. This through BBW into an escalating spin of furious behaviors which did not to help resolve the situation.

BBW felt that he was providing love by spending time with Javelina. Javelina felt that he was simply manipulating her in order to have more time to directly control her. She felt his idea of quality time together was to filibuster the communication never allowing her a chance to contribute.

Further, he would not adjust his schedule to spend more time with Javelina. He expected her to adjust her work and life schedule to accommodate the time blocks he wanted to spend together. He clearly stated he only wanted to talk when it fit his schedule.

Tomorrow will see the conclusion of this narrative and the temperament counseling of Javelina and the Big Bad Wolf.