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When you are in a confrontational conversation be sure to remember the five golden rules.

1. Iron clad statements and absolutes are not good ideas
   1. “I know“
   2. Always
   3. Never
   4. Won’t
2. Conditional statements are more effective
   1. In my judgement
   2. I think
   3. In my opinion
   4. It is my belief
   5. The rule/policy indicates
3. Avoid the use of slang. Slang indicates a loss of control.
4. Use clear, simple, reasonable directives.
   1. Stop
   2. You
   3. Here
   4. There
      1. Emphasize the directive with a firm gesture.
5. Threats are counter productive
   1. Identify the offensive behavior that needs to stop.
   2. State the penalty
   3. Enforce the penalty no matter what

You may also give some thought to your personal presence. There are some fields of thought which indicate that for every 10 pounds a person is overweight their presence or stature is reduced 10%. So, if two persons were of equal height and one was 40 pounds overweight that person would present a 40% less commanding figure than the leaner of the two.

It is extremely important that web based publications that are to be taken seriously maintain the delicate balance between providing useful information to those who visit and sharing personal information without becoming “preachy” or “whiny.” My personal tendency is to stray a bit too far into the rational detachment area. However, sometimes I experience (as do we all) personal circumstance that provide me the stumbling blocks which I can nudge into stepping stones for the use of others. My personal and professional life has been providing me just such fodder of late and I would like to share how I try to make the best of it with you.

Here, in list form (you know I love lists) are my strategies for overcoming adversity along with the shades of my temperament I rely on to help me navigate them.

1. Keep the problem in perspective. If you are still alive and actively seeking a solution you still have a chance. It could be worse. It will probably get better (Phlegmatic).
2. Don’t generalize the problem. It is a specific setback. Who knows what exciting change will happen next. Even the bible says, “It came to pass…” Nowhere does it say, “It came to stay…” (sanguine).
3. Use forward self talk. “Okay, that didn’t work. Not the best strategy. Retreat for perspective. More follow-through. Keep it lined up. Better. Better. We’ll try this strategy tomorrow. The overall plan is still viable. How you frame the problem in your mind is very important (choleric).
4. Seek the greater good. Realism is limited to the current atmosphere. Faith allows for possibility. Failing the cause isn’t an option (supine).
5. Hang out with sanguines. Hang around the dreamers, builders, positive influences. Their can-do spirit is infectious (melancholy).

Inspirational quote:

“… a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

Jack Welch is a business man with a speech impediment. Depending upon your source he is either the salvation of GE or a major cause of many of its shortfalls. But, regardless of who you listen to you will find one concept about the man consistently stated. Jack Welch is about the bottom line.

How is it that a faithful capitalist could so adeptly articulate one of the deepest truths in human emotional well being?

“Control your destiny, or someone else will.”

That simple statement has profound ramifications for all of us.

In fact his book (of the same title) has no less than 6 such statements that could be the cornerstone of many counseling philosophies. I’ll follow each precept with an indication of the temperament most likely to recieve the felling blow from resistance to the concept.

1. control your destiny or someone else will (the choleric nightmare syndrome)
2. face reality as it is, not as it was, or as you wish it were (melancholies avert your eyes)
3. be candid with everyone (sanguines arise)
4. don’t manage lead (the phlegmatic downfall)
5. change before you have to (supines submit)
6. if you don’t have a competitive advantage don’t compete (all temperaments)

Control Your Destiny is a book worth reading even if you are not in the business of being a CEO.

What is the difference between Behavior Consulting and Counseling? It is kind of like looking at the difference between secular and faith based counseling. In fact, there was no differentiation between secular and faith based counseling and behavioral coaching until the 1800’s. Up until that point all three fell into the pervue of the church. The clergy took on the daunting task of bringing hope, counsel and guidance to those who were in need. Medical doctors took on the physical domain and the two didn’t disparage one another.

I. Faith Based Counseling and Secular Counseling.

In the early history of the Church, the Church itself was solely responsible for the counseling of people. As society grew the perception developed that the Christian Community was no longer qualified to counsel its people. As a result, the secular community has all but taken over the responsibility of counseling and behavior modification.

II. Contrasting Faith Based and Secular Counseling

A. Secular Counselor = Agent of the State = Insurance Coverage May Apply

Precepts

1. Everyone has problems; you must learn to live with it. These strategies may help.
2. Human behavior is based on millions of years of evolution. You must continue to evolve emotionally.
3. Self is most important; as long as you do not infringe upon the self of others do what you need to be happy.
4. The problems of self can often be traced to the behaviors of others.

B. Faith Based = Agent of the Church = Fees are often a sliding scale and insurance coverage may not apply.

Precepts

1. Cast off your sins; Christ, the perfect sacrifice has paid the price.

2. God created each of us with a specific temperament. Fighteing your temperament creates disharomony in your sense of well being.

3. God is most important. True happiness is accessible through our proper duty to Him.

4. Face (confess) and accept the consequences (repent) of your actions.

III. Faith based view.

God created us with three areas of need (Inclusion, Control, and Affection) which we may meet through His service.

Inclusion

The need to initiate and maintain surface relationships.

The need to be approached by others for surface relationships.

Control

The need to be in control of relationships with others.

The need for others to control our relationships and behaviors.

Affection

The need to establish love and affection relationships with others.

The need to receive love and affection from others.

IV. The Five Temperament Types. Faith based view.

1. The Melancholy - Forever examining their own shortcomings.

2. The Choleric - Confident and task oriented.

3. The Sanguine - Extremely socially active.

4. The Supine - Quintessential servant ever placing the needs of others first.

5. The Plegmatic - Extremely deliberate perfectionist.

V. So What?

Temperament is an extremely important factor to consider when:

1. Finding compatible career.

2. Finding hobbies that bring the most satisfaction.

3. Making decisions and undertaking responsibilities.

4. Choosing your level of dependence or independence.

5. Charting our spiritual development.

6. Choosing and understanding our mate.

Social control through Social Media. That fragment in and of itself is probably all the needs to be communicated when exploring the connections of Social Media to the Choleric temperament. But, never being one to bring forth unguided lilies I shall continue on with our gallant experiment.

Cholerics are utilitarian in goal implementation and excellent at communicating abstract concepts. They are highly adept with strategies and gifted in analysis. There greatest gifts lie in organizing, planning, configuring and practical inventing. They are strong willed and ever in search of greater knowledge. They rely heavily on their own powers of reason and thirst for achievement. Their view of the present is pragmatic, and they are skeptical about the future.

LinkedIn is the Social Media choice for the Choleric. It is utilitarian. They incrementally and methodically add useful features. This allows the Choleric to employ these additions in a appraising manner and determine how to best turn them to his ultimate purpose (and know that Cholerics always have and ultimate purpose).

LinkedIn uses its structured approach to display and individuals experience history, related fields, recent developments, and top locations. Companies often use it to compare prospective resource persons for a project or position. You may also view which companies people come from and with a little mission statement research the influences under which they developed. In addition you can see the “kind of person” the individual has chosen to build connections with.

All in all it is an incredibly useful platform for the Choleric, if not incredibly innovative.

Original article in the series.

In the event of a nuclear holocaust the sole survivors will be the cockroaches and the Phlegmatics.

How’s that for a flat yet inflammatory statement?

Be heartened though because, we Phlegmatics wont only bring our own necessities, we’ll bring everybody else’s too. You see even though we are pragmatic and know when the battle can’t be won we are also relationship oriented. We are amicable and we love people.

What would attract the Phlegmatic to the realm of Social Media?

The joy of logical investigation. Like the mythological Prometheus who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals, Phlegmatics are driven to provide the tools to others needed to improve and grow. Thus they make excellent facilitators of Social Media. They are often the hub connection at which all the other participants make attachments.

These are the persons who are most adept and invaluable as architects of the social media constructs.

In fact there is a site called Phlegmatic Society on MySpace that has breached the topic already.

Original article in the series.

flickr image 

In order to truly understand the nature of the Melancholy you must be familiar with the speech of Arestophanes from Plato’s Symposium.

The original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three n number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, of which the name survives but nothing else. Once it was a distinct kind, with a bodily shape and a name of its own, constituted by the union of the male and the female: but now only the word ‘androgynous’ is preserved and that as a term of reproach.

Terrible was their might and strength and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods; of them is told the tale of Otys and Ephilates who, as Homer says, attempted to scale heaven, and wold have laid hands upon the gods.

So, Zues smote them asunder. Well, of-course those that were singularly male and singularly female died from the wounds right away. But, those which were initially composed of the best of both were strong enough to survive. But, because they were rent apart, they spent the remainder of their existence seeking out that perfect opposite part which would complete them. And such is the origin of the Melancholy. Doomed to ever seek out the one with whom they may achieve perfect intimacy.

Yes, I know I ruthlessly butchered a perfectly beautiful poem. But, hey considering my pathetic understanding of the collected musing of Plato I think I made the point.

Intimacy is the most compelling desire of a true Melancholy. Many, like the split-aparts, will spend their entire lives on a quest for those they believe will be their soul mates.

Because of this the potential Social Media is ever more tantalizing to the Melancholy. They are thoughtful enough to realize that this medium exponentially increases their chances to come into contact with the symbiotic other they are ever seeking.

However, they choose to explore social media in a manner that many do not even consider to be a portion of the spectrum. You will most often find your Melancholies involved in the entertainment realm of social media. They are the role playing gamers who spend hours developing connections with bands of virtual adventurers to overthrow some evil overlord. They will garner millions of points on Pogo as they share of themselves with other online gamers the revealed insecurities of their souls.

To effectively capitalize on the benefits of social media the Melancholy must view it as a mythic adventure designed to bring together those who are destined to connect.

Original article in the series.

If there ever was an arranged marriage that seemed ideally suited it would appear to be Sanguines and Social Media. But, you know, it’s not as perfect as it sounds. Once you get beyond the titles the divergence makes sense too.

Sanguines are all about interacting with people on an up close and personal basis. They need to see your face and touch your hand. They have an underlying compulsion to be with living breathing, carbon based life forms. Now juxtapose that with Social Media. By the very nature (at least at first) Social Media is technology based. You must spend a considerable amount of time building a virtual reality of jungle vine connections. Then you must employ your very best Tarzan/Jane skill set to navigate the highways of the canopy to reach your connection destinations.

You can see how the medium would be a struggle for the sanguine at the early levels of development.

If a Sanguine is to be successful with a Social Media platform it must have one indispensable component. It must be FUN.

No matter what the ultimate pay out of the work investment in building a network, if there is no immediate entertainment value the Sanguine is not interested.

With this information you can see how Sanguines would be more drawn to FaceBook, Flickr, and Showhype than to LinkedIn which is more for professionals who are looking for networking opportunities.

Original article in the series.

Given the understated nature of the those with a supine temperament it seems odd to consider them in relation to the topic of Social Media. However, Tori Deaux and I have decided it might be an excercise that could provide some insight to start with the Supine and work our way through the temperaments and their potential relationships to social media.

It seems good to start with an overview of the Supine temperament followed by the elements of social media that best relate to that temperament.

The Supine is motivated by an intense desire to make a valued contribution to a purpose greater than themselves. Unfortunately, their sense of self worth is so underestimated that they rarely feel their contribution is great enough. As a result, they are often exploited by those who continually call upon them to do, or give more because of their notoriety for never refusing a good cause.

The Supine also feels compelled or driven to appear to others to be humble. They wish it known that they serve a greater purpose and yearn for this drive to be accepted by others who they rely on as to defend their actions from a cold and incomprehensibly (to them) selfish world. Counter intuitively, they will also sacrifice themselves to protect those they percieve as vulnerable or weak.

More than anything else the Supine craves recognition for their service. It is as though their contribution is only valuable when validated by someone else. They constantly seek out opportunities to serve and you will often find them as the most caring, dependable yet behind the scenes worker in an organization.

Their greatest weaknesses are their own insecurities. When left unchecked these insecurities can cause them to become manipulative, weak willed, indecisive, resentful and down right sinister.

They have very little need to initiate association or socialization, but have a high need to be approached by many people for association and socialization.

They have very little desire to control over the lives of others, desire a great deal of control over their lives by others.

They express very little outward affection for others, but desires others to express a great deal of love and affection toward them.

Simply put social media is a network of individuals which depend upon interactions between people of common interest via an electronic medium.

Social media platforms (facebook, link-in, etc) strive to create opportunities for users to make connections by structuring opportunities for interaction. The speed and variety of opportunities network are far greater in an electronic medium than face to face interactions tend to allow.

Social media operates outside the parameters of time and geographic location. You may participate in social media networks by adding comments or even editing the core content itself as is the case with wikipedia. Social media may take the form of text, graphics, audio, or video. Or indeed, formats may be mixed. Typically, social media is available via feeds, subscriptions, feed readers, and other publishers which trawl sources to create mashups such as Lifehacker.

The broad spectrum of topics and purposes create many niches and opportunities for the Supine to find ways to make a visible contribution to a greater mission.

Additionally, Internet marketing is another realm of Social Media. In such context the phrase refers to a collective group of web properties that are driven by users. Blogs, video sharing sites and other mission specific media sites are seen by the Supine as prime areas to contribute to a greater purpose.

A greater synergistic opportunity exists for the Supine who is able to locate the Social Media format that has a greater mission in which they may emotionally invest.

Original article in the series.

I’ve worked on several projects that have been connected in some way to Dr. Ghungsho Zhang. Most of the work has taken the form of his identification of a trend indicated in a numerical analysis and my development of a program to enhance or accommodate for that trend. For example, Dr. Zhang unidentified an over representation of males in discipline referrals and special education referrals in North Carolina. As a result, I developed a series of trainings for teachers which explored how male and female students have natural conduct differences that cannot be addressed in the same ways.

What does that have to do with temperament and social media?

Just this, just because something can be easily measured doesn’t mean it is important. For example, it was easy to measure the cycles of the moon (sunspots, comet proximity, tides, favorite ice cream flavors, etc) when incidents of misbehavior occur but that doesn’t mean the two are connected in any real way.

Again, so what?

That brings us to the numbers of Social Media. It is easy to measure (or at least estimate) the number of users of social media but without knowing the underlying temperament of those measured we will not understand the nature of their use of the medium.

Here are some of the numbers based on a study conducted by Raplief .

Bebo 5,806,867 members
” Bebo is a social media network where friends share their lives and explore great entertainment.”

Blackplanet 1,201,687 members
” BlackPlanet.com is your place to meet and connect with African Americans around the country.”

Classmates 3,051,761 members
“Find a friend or high school alumni from more than 40 million members in over 200000 affiliations at Classmates.com.”

Facebook 5,920,236 members
“An online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges.”

Flickr 2,068,097 members
“Flickr is almost certainly the best online photo management and sharing application in the world.”

Flixter 17,647,399 members
” Flixster is a community for movie fans of all shapes and sizes.”

Friendster 5,260,380 members
“Friendster is focused on helping people stay in touch with friends and discover new people and things that are important to them.”

Hi5 14,679,615 members
“hi5 helps its members stay connected with friends, family and others that are important to them in a simple, fun and safe online environment.”

LinkedIn 841,209 members
“Our mission is to help you be more effective in your daily work and open doors to opportunities using the professional relationships you already have.”

Multiply 1,354,647 members
“Multiply gives you an easy way to share all kinds of digital media, including photos, blogs, videos, music and more, all in one convenient place: your own personal web site.”

MySpace 31,845,954 members
“Create a community on MySpace and you can share photos, journals and interests with your growing network of mutual friends!”

MyYearbook 2,449,251 members
Offers quizzes and a weblog section, as well as videos and free content from CliffsNotes.”

Perfspot 1,159,539 members
“Secure your personal privacy. Find old friends. Have unlimited uploads and much more. For more information, visit us online”

Ringo 9,770,151 members
“Photo and Video Sharing Made Easy”  As you can see Social Media evolves and devolves FAST! Between the time I drafted this article in June and July 6 Ringo went off-line.

Tickle 6,481,601 members
“Tickle is the leading interpersonal media company, providing self-discovery, and social networking services to more than 17 million active members in its community worldwide.”

In each provider the lion’s share of the users are between the ages of 17 and 35. With the major exception being LinkedIn which has is greatest percentage (nearly 25%) of members in the 35-44 year old age bracket.

Still, so what? If you don’t know how these people are using social media to help meet their needs for control, inclusion and affection you really don’t know what is going on here.

Tori Deaux and I are going to try and use this series of articles to explore that concept.

Original article in the series.