A Parent of Declining Years in the Age of Family Fragmentation
July 14th, 2008
I’m about to share some very personal information with you. While you are reading you may find your self saying, “Careful Reg, your melancholy is showing.”
I will start off by telling you that Hospice has been called in to assist with my mother. If you don’t know about Hospice they are a health care organization that specializes in providing services to patients with “life limiting” illnesses. Hospice concentrates on quality of life rather than quantity. In fact, they have a good website which answers questions about their organization much more completely than I could (Hospice).
I appreciate the organization very much.
That being said, I must wander what series of cultural events lead to a situation when the matriarch of a family with eight children needs outside assistance from an organization like Hospice.
It seems to me that not long ago (was it so long ago?) my family existed in the form of a tribe-like clan. Generations of us lived and died in the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia and wherever there was one in need many were there to provide for that need. I remember aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews and nieces in abundance. In fact, the connections were so interwoven that I could not mis-behave at elementary school without the consequence of receiving less that three scoldings or spankings before I completed my walk home at the end of the day.
And yet, now my mother needs the support of a benevolent organization.
The questions screams out to be asked, “Reg, why don’t you take care of your mother?” And the unsatisfying answer is, I am simply too far away. It is a six hour drive from my home and work to where my mother is. No less than three states must be traversed in order for me to reach her. And, sadly, in America, this seems to be the norm.
There have been profound changes in the way American families structure and maintain themselves - and sometimes deconstruct - and those changes have had a profound effect on how our elders spend their declining years. Few adults have had the luxury or good fortune of being able to find and develop gainful employment in the locality in which they grew up. We have found that as a people in order to better ourselves (or in current economic conditions) maintain our standard of living we must be willing to relocate and with relative frequency.
I will again use my own personal experiences as an example. In the small West Virgina community in which I grew up industry had long since moved on. Farming became the marker of a bygone era and drift mining gave way to less expensive strip mining which required a much smaller workforce. The population there has been in a steady decline for generations. As a result I sought out a teaching position in a community some distance away yet within the same state. After several years it became clear that the population there was ebbing and I sought out another position in Florida. After several years there the economic ebb and flow adjusted and I found myself relocating to North Carolina, and it seems I may be moving yet again very soon.
What has this microcosm of my personal experiences to do with the phenomena? Simply this, you can duplicate my experiences with nearly every professional you know. Poll the local public school to find out how many are native to the area. You will be surprised at the result.
As a result many of our parents are “cast adrift” in their time of need.
Here are my struggles. I hope sharing them may prepare you in case you ever find yourself facing this situation.
I had difficulty accepting my feelings. My mother was once a very quick mind. Alzheimer’s and Dementia have robbed her of this. The realization of this is very heavy.
I had difficulty discussing things with others. I experienced a high reluctance to ask enough questions to have a clear understanding of the situation at hand.
There were some mistakes I did not make. I never did things that would undermine my mother’s independence or sense of self confidence. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.
What are your plans for your aging parent? Or, what plans have you made to face you elder years?
